Parent Tips: Restorative Practices
by Julie Stevens
Madeleine Albright recently recalled living through the Blitz as a child in London. Her family experienced trauma— overwhelming helplessness in the face of sudden, horrifying loss in a city under siege. But her story illustrates that adverse events and protective factors experienced together have the potential to foster resilience. Albright suggests a path toward surviving and thriving for today’ s besieged families:“ I learned a lot of lessons out of being with my parents during the war. Namely, my parents had no control over the bombs that were falling, the only thing they had control over was their behavior.” Her parents fled Prague to escape the Nazis only to endure terror where they sought refuge, and raised the first female Secretary of State. Parallels can be found when Kim Brooks( Small Animals: Parenthood in the Age of Fear, Flatiron Books, 2018) notes that parents in 2020 face the particular challenge of being forced“ to choose between addressing the educational, emotional and psychological needs of their children and helping contain a public health crisis.” Brooks points out that absolute safety is unachievable, even absent bombs and contagion. But parents can control feeling safe with strategic choices about their behavior— for their own and their childrens’ well-being.
• Role model behaviors that support physical and emotional health. Share with your kids how you manage anger / disappointment / fear—“ We’ re all missing our grandparents / friends, but this is the way we protect ourselves and others we care about. Let’ s call grandma more often.” Prioritize nurturing relationships over“ being right.” Give plentiful hugs and cuddle more to mitigate negative effects of social distance by releasing brain chemicals— oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin— that calm and make us feel safe.
• Reflect on prior personal loss or trauma and how the past may be affecting your response to the current moment of political upheaval, economic uncertainty, and health risks. Identify coping strategies that previously contributed to your feeling safe and in control. Be compassionate with others, but also with yourself.
• Reinvent family rituals and establish restorative routines. Just as funeral / wedding / graduation practices are adapting, so can your family’ s unique, sustaining traditions. Tap into the creativity of all family members to reimagine the annual camping trip or weekly dinner out( tents in the living room, in-house restaurant night). Remember the value of a ritual lies in the meaning we assign and how it reminds us who we are. Incorporate healthy new habits as you replace routines( individual gym workout becomes family yoga session) or link with existing routines( regular bedtime story now followed by sharing moments when kids / adults felt happy / hopeful / grateful that day). Rituals and routines— predictable activities— work on a subconscious level to relax a vigilant nervous system.
Page 36 Fall 2020 CSEE Connections