Columbus Freepress - November 7th 2013 Nov 7 2013 | Page 38

PEAVES, THE FREE PRESS
BUTLER, SOUNDS OFF

The man on the phone was talking very

“NOW MORE THAN EVER”

fast. I thought perhaps he had a lot to say
but a short time to say it. I was wrong. It
turns out he had lots of time, scads of it,
far more time than I would have preferred
to allot him. But I am polite on the phone,
I listened to the bastard ramble on. What
the conversation concerned is unimportant,
it was an admonishment at the end that
starched my collar.
The fellow wanted to foist some
documents upon me. I did not want them,
but he insisted. “I can fax them to you,” the
cad announced.
I explained that I did not have a fax
machine and that he’d be better off
emailing them to me. “Just send them as
attachments,” I said.
That’s when things got interesting.
“You should really have a fax machine,”
the meddler mumbled.
I didn’t say anything, still being polite.
“If you had a fax machine,” the obtruder
continued. “I could just fax these over to
you.”
“Yes, but I don’t,” I said, still holding my
tongue.
“You might want to think about getting
one,” he went on.
Still I remained mum. But I was thinking,
“And where shall I look for one, an antique
store?”
I also did not bother to tell the unxious
gent that in all my years as a butler, I had
not previously had need of one. Not once.
Eventually I managed to end the
conversation, which was no easy task.
38 Later I thought longer on the unpleasant

incident and realized the irony in it.
It is I who is usually behind the times
technology-wise, not the next fellow.
It has only been recently that I have
become comfortable using a computer. My
first one was given to me by a friend and
on it I learned how to use email and browse
the internet. Beyond that, I have little use
for the contraptions, but I can see their
usefulness.
At some point I decided to buy a new
computer and expected it to act in a manner
similar to the one my friend had given me.
Again, I had erred. My new computer came
equipped with all manner of foibles.
I soon learned that it lacked software
that I had previously taken for granted.
For weeks I learned of all the little tid bits
I needed to download and install. It was a
very annoying process.
For example, soon after my new
acquisition arrived I tried to watch a video a
friend had guided me to via email. “Really
funny,” the subject line read. Being a sap,
I clicked on the link. Nothing happened.
I clicked again. The doohickey told me I
needed something called a “plug in.”
The missing element was something
called “Java,” but I do not know exactly
what that is or what it does. I only know
that it was a pain in the caboose to deal
with.
After an hour or so, I managed to view
the video. It was an hour wasted in my
opinion. The video was not even mildly
amusing. Still I learned something: my
friend has an odd sense of humor.
That is just one incident among many.
Almost daily I found some thingamabob
or other that my computer lacked. Always
there would be an explanation of what I
needed to do to rectify the situation and
always it was gibberish.
Finally I decided I needed to get a printer.
I figured, with a printer, I could print out
the instructions for how to