Entrepreneur, author, idea developer. Shawn Hunter has collaborated with hundreds
of business authors, executives, and researchers to create learning solutions. Shawn’s
first company, Targeted Learning, was acquired by Skillsoft in February 2007.
He is the author of Out•Think and Small Acts of Leadership. mindscaling.com
S
omeone in a big SUV, talking on the phone,
oblivious to everyone around them, just cut you
off. How do you feel? Just today, in a meeting, your
boss contradicted you, again. How do you feel?
That imbecile over in product management just
got the promotion you wanted. How about now?
The plane has just landed, and already, the guy
behind you is talking loudly on the phone while
you taxi to the gate. Now, how do you feel?
basketball game is on hold, but I can do many enjoyable
and new things over the next few months.” Or “This
sucks and is going to take some work, but I’ll have
a little more time to work on my other projects.”
The difference is that little “but” inserted where we
add the positives and hopeful outcomes. A healthy
reaction acknowledges circumstances and adjusts
to anticipate optimistic outcomes and choices.
The world is uncertain. People are irrational. Traffic
happens. Cell phone batteries sometimes die.
Here’s an idea: When we get annoyed, frustrated,
angry, and miserable over events and circumstances
in our lives, we are also being unfair to ourselves. By
berating ourselves, we are being unethical and unjust
to ourselves. And when we make ourselves miserable,
we make the people around us miserable. Instead, be
kind to yourself, and find the kindness in others.
It wasn’t the traffic, it was our reaction to the traffic. It
wasn’t losing that big contract that made us dejected.
Our expectation made us feel dejected and miserable.
Albert Ellis is regarded as one of the most influential
psychologists of the 20th century. One of his signature
ideas is called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
(REBT), which has been used to effectively to change
the attitudes and behaviors of millions of people.
The promise of REBT is this: no matter how
badly you sometimes think about yourself, and
no matter how horrible others sometimes treat
you, and no matter how awful our circumstances
are…. we always have the power to change our
feelings of hostility, despair, or stress. Always.
Next, look for should, must, and ought, in our self-
talk. When we think, “My boss must never speak
to me that way!” or “I should get that promotion. I
deserve it!”, we are extending our own wishes and
preferences to the behavior of others. And we can’t
control the behavior of others. We can only control
how we react and feel in the face of circumstances.
Should, must, and ought are absolute and
rigid values. As Dr. Ellis writes:
“When you insist, however, that you always must
have or do something, you often think in this
way: 'Because I would very much like or prefer to
have success, approval, or pleasure, I absolutely,
under practically all conditions, must have it.
And if I don’t get it, as I completely must, it’s awful,
I can’t stand it, I am an inferior person for not
arranging to get it, and the world is a horrible place
for not giving me what I must have! I am sure that I’ll
never get it, and therefore can’t be happy at all!'"
– Albert Ellis, Ph.D., from How to Stubbornly Refuse to
Make Yourself Miserable About Anything. Yes, Anything!
Dr. Ellis doesn’t go all zen meditative to the extent
that he suggests you deny all of your feelings and
emotions and view the world utterly impassively, like
a robot. Not at all. REBT recognizes that caution,
concern, or suspicion are normal emotions which
are useful for making decisions. Yet allowing those
emotions to turn into outright panic, dread, or
despair is not useful. It’s worse. It’s self-destructive.
Here’s a short version of how it works. First, imagine
an unfortunate event occurring in your life. Let’s say,
you break your leg badly and have to be in a wheelchair,
and work through physical therapy for months. How
do you think about this hypothetical circumstance?
Healthy concern or annoyance self-talk might sound
like, “Wow. What a bummer. I guess my weekly
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When we think in these rigid ways we become anxious
and self-pitying. Try instead Dr. Ellis’ prescription of
self-talk that goes like this: “I would very much like
or prefer to have success, approval, or comfort, but
I don’t have to have it. I won’t die without it. And I
could be happy (though not as happy) without it.”
The kinds of thoughts that create anxiety are those that
demand success or approval, such as, “I must impress
everyone at the meeting because I’m smart.” or, “This deal
will propel me to the top of my team, so I have to win it!”
The advice is this: Turn should, must, ought to, and
have to statements into preferences instead of demands.
Accept what is going on (WIGO) around you without
feeling the need to control people and circumstances.
There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well.
You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.
- Albert Ellis, Ph.D.