The Buddy System
By Rick Allen
How many of us remember as little children being told “ hold my hand while we cross the street ” or “ don ’ t go out there all alone ”? These words of advice will stay with us our entire lifetime . I see husbands reach for the hand of their wife when crossing a street , not so much for safety but for the purpose of subliminally suggesting “ you will be fine because I am right here ”. As a Boy Scout , while working on our swimming merit badge we were told if you ever go out into open water always follow the buddy system . There should always be someone nearby in case you get in trouble .
As we grow and mature something mysteriously happens to us though . For some reason a large number of us feel as if we no longer need help ( or at least are not supposed to ask for it ). Society has somehow caused women to feel as if they should be independent and strong willed . As men , we develop the idea that we are never supposed to ask for directions or read instructions . I can personally attest to the fact that this is not accurate as I can easily become lost in a shopping mall and have the most difficult of times assembling even simple items . When something bad happens in our lives we naturally tend to want to shut down and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world . This is your mind ’ s defense system kicking into action . It is similar to an ostrich burying its ’ head in the sand to hide . Everyone sees the ostrich , but since he cannot see them they must not exist . We all know how off base that theory is , but believe if we hide our grief and sorrow ; no one will know we hurt . This is terribly unhealthy as grief shared is grief diminished . Grief not acknowledged will only grow and ultimately lead to depression which will in turn manifest into a number of other unhealthy conditions .
When we learn of another person ’ s loss , we instinctively feel the need to do something to help ease their pain . The problem with grief is that most people feel awkward and unprepared in how to go about helping . The worst thing we can do is to avoid that person because of our own lack of confidence . This causes the person who is grieving to believe something is wrong with them for feeling sad . This
feeling tends to cause the grieving person to want to rush through any type of memorial for the one who has died . Some people will try to avoid any acknowledgement that death has occurred at all in an attempt to get their life back to normal as quickly as possible . That never happens because the grieving person ’ s life cannot be the same again as there will always be a void where the person who died previously occupied . A healthy end result for a grieving person is the final phase of grief ; reconciliation . When the grieving person can accept that their life will be different because of the loss , but that different life will be ok , they have truly healed . This cannot be reached alone .
It is important to be the buddy for someone who has lost someone they love . Just telling that person you are sorry for their loss can open a door for conversation . The one thing every person who has lost someone wants to talk about is the person who has died . Allow them to tell the story of that person . In a way , this is allowing them to openly acknowledge that the person is no longer here and this will gently move them through the denial phase of their grief . Help that person find others who can relate to their loss . Maybe you have a friend who lost their spouse that can be introduced to the one who has just lost their spouse and they can share common feelings and listen to one another ’ s story . Grief support groups are also great ways to help a person move through the grieving process . The common thread to healthy recovery is being around other people . If you have lost someone close to you please do not shut down and attempt to find healing from within . If you know someone who is hurting from the loss of a loved one , be their buddy . The buddy system worked well for us all in our early phases of life . It will serve us all well in the end .
Rick Allen is the owner of Allen Family Funeral Options and may be reached at 972-596-8200 , or you may visit their website at www . affoplano . com .
COLLIN COUNTY Living Well Magazine | NOVEMBER / DECEMBER 2017
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