Collin County Living Well Magazine March/April 2020 | Page 27
THE
BUDDY
SYSTEM
H
By Rick Allen
ow many of us remember
as little children being told
“hold my hand while we
cross the street” or “don’t
go out there all alone”?
These words of advice will stay with
us our entire lifetime. I see husbands
reach for the hand of their wife when
crossing a street, not so much for safe-
ty but for the purpose of subliminally
suggesting “you will be fine because I
am right here”. As a Boy Scout, while
working on our swimming merit badge
we were told if you ever go out into
open water always follow the buddy
system. There should always be some-
one nearby in case you get in trouble.
As we grow and mature something
mysteriously happens to us though. For
some reason a large number of us feel
as if we no longer need help (or at least
are not supposed to ask for it). Society
has somehow caused women to feel
as if they should be independent and
strong willed. As men, we develop the
idea that we are never supposed to
ask for directions or read instructions.
I can personally attest to the fact that
this is not accurate as I can easily be-
come lost in a shopping mall and have
the most difficult of times assembling
even simple items. When something
bad happens in our lives we naturally
tend to want to shut down and isolate
ourselves from the rest of the world.
This is your mind’s defense system
kicking into action. It is similar to an
ostrich burying its’ head in the sand
to hide. Everyone sees the ostrich, but
since he cannot see them they must not
exist. We all know how off base that
theory is, but believe if we hide our
grief and sorrow; no one will know we
hurt. This is terribly unhealthy as grief
shared is grief diminished. Grief not
acknowledged will only grow and ul-
timately lead to depression which will
in turn manifest into a number of other
unhealthy conditions.
When we learn of another person’s
loss, we instinctively feel the need to do
something to help ease their pain. The
problem with grief is that most people
feel awkward and unprepared in how
to go about helping. The worst thing we
can do is to avoid that person because
of our own lack of confidence. This caus-
es the person who is grieving to believe
something is wrong with them for feel-
ing sad. This feeling tends to cause the
grieving person to want to rush through
any type of memorial for the one who
has died. Some people will try to avoid
any acknowledgement that death has
occurred at all in an attempt to get
their life back to normal as quickly as
possible. That never happens because
the grieving person’s life cannot be the
same again as there will always be a
void where the person who died previ-
ously occupied. A healthy end result for
a grieving person is the final phase of
grief; reconciliation. When the grieving
person can accept that their life will be
different because of the loss, but that
different life will be ok, they have truly
healed. This cannot be reached alone.
It is important to be the buddy for some-
one who has lost someone they love.
Just telling that person you are sorry for
their loss can open a door for conver-
sation. The one thing every person who
has lost someone wants to talk about is
the person who has died. Allow them
to tell the story of that person. In a way,
this is allowing them to openly acknowl-
edge that the person is no longer here
and this will gently move them through
the denial phase of their grief. Help
that person find others who can relate
to their loss. Maybe you have a friend
who lost their spouse that can be intro-
duced to the one who has just lost their
spouse and they can share common
feelings and listen to one another’s sto-
ry. Grief support groups are also great
ways to help a person move through the
grieving process. The common thread
to healthy recovery is being around
other people. If you have lost someone
close to you please do not shut down
and attempt to find healing from with-
in. If you know someone who is hurting
from the loss of a loved one, be their
buddy. The buddy system worked well
for us all in our early phases of life. It
will serve us all well in the end.
Rick Allen has been the owner of Allen Family Funeral Options for over 35 years and may be reached at
972-596-8200, or you may visit their website at www.AFFOplano.com.
COLLIN COUNTY Living Well Magazine | MARCH/APRIL 2020
25