Collin County Living Well Magazine July/August 2018 | Page 45

THE UNSPOKEN NEEDS OF A MAN By Georgia Smith-Lyle, LPC-S T his article is for all women who are moms, girl- friends, a wife, sister or friend to a man. Do you have a male in your life that you want to better understand? Most men, when asked about what they need to feel loved or understood, will answer something like ,“I’m pretty simple. It doesn’t take much to make me happy.” That may be true, but my belief is they have deep needs, wants and desires which they don’t ex- press most of the time. They were created to be strong and manly. The emotional component which they do have is not easily accessible sometimes, even to themselves! My hope in writing this article is to give you a glimpse into the heart and mind of a man and an understanding of his needs. When we talk about the “needs of a man” most of the time we think of physical needs. However true this may be, the physical needs are not the primary needs I will be address- ing. At the core of every man, there are some genuine needs and desires he longs for but probably never ask for or reveals he truly needs them. The way men think: Men process differently than wom- en. They have the ability to compartmentalize thoughts and come back to them another time. Men will “pull away and get quiet” to process a thought. They do this mainly to allow themselves time to gather their thoughts so when they are ready to talk, their facts and feelings will be together and make sense. Women might view this as rejection or give them a feeling of being unloved, but it’s actually a man’s own need to think through things logically. So, if the man in your life goes silent on you, give them time and space to think. Men truly need time and space for internal process- ing when thinking about emotional issues. Men will think most everything through, even though they do it silently. It takes a lot of energy for a man to process his thoughts and get clarity. After all the thinking and talking to convey his thoughts, he will need time to “think about nothing.” Men need respect: Interesting fact about a man’s need for respect is that respect is more essential than your affec- tion. Unconditional respect is as important to a man as un- conditional love is for a woman. Making a choice to show respect and validate their thoughts is very important to the way they feel about themselves. Respect for his judgment and what he accomplishes gives him a sense of wellbe- ing and appreciation. Respecting him when communicating and in public situations is important. In public, even telling a story about how he couldn’t accomplish something in a joking way, no matter how insignificant the task, can be embarrassing to him. When men feel inadequate in any ability or job they do, the internal message “they are not enough” plays over in their mind, no matter how much you believe they are enough. Men need affirmation: Men have a strong need and desire to feel validated, affirmed and appreciated in his family and at work. Your words and actions mean more to him than you may realize. Validating words and ac- tions fill a man’s emotional tank and send the message “you believe in him.” Create a place where men can feel safe to make mistakes, without being judged or criti- cized. Fear of failing is a strong emotion in men who have not been encouraged, affirmed and validated. En- courage him and send the message you do believe in him. It’s the fuel he needs to soar. His confidence will increase as well as his motivation to accomplish tasks that may seem difficult. Most men like a good challenge if they believe they will succeed. I hope this article has been of help in understanding those men in your life. Although not everything men need and desire was addressed, these are some core basic truths to glean from. It’s my hope the understanding you gain will improve your relationships. Georgia Smith-Lyle, LPC-S is in private practice as a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Texas providing counseling for children, adolescents, adults, marriage and family. She has authored two books and a public speaker. Georgia may be reached at 469-855-0256 or via email [email protected]. www.couselingbygeorgia.com. COLLIN COUNTY Living Well Magazine | JULY/AUGUST 2018 43