issue 34 working_Layout 1 8/7/2013 11:46 AM Page 53
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CIDER MAGAZINE
ISSUE 34
PG 53
WWW.CIDERMAG.COM
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Hateful Remarks Random ’s from the World Most Attractive Monster! s s Urungu Oderu I guess that really isn’t too much of a Hey kiddies, once again
it’s ME, Oderus Urungus, lead singer of the mighty GWAR, and if you are reading this it means that recently it was time for me to hastily scribble some random shit that will hopefully end up being the most offensive part of this otherwise perfectly wonderful, family-oriented publication. And I am already telling lies. How am I supposed to “scribble” anything when I am typing on a lap-top? What the hell is a monster from outer space doing with a lap-top anyway? Certainly not “scribbling” with it. I guess you can tell by this point that I don’t have a purpose or theme for this month’s column. What else is new? But there is plenty of stuff to hate on. Like this one...I recently heard that the human eyelid was the strongest muscle in the human body. What a load of crap. If that was true, then they would have sporting events based around this fact--athletes would race each other by crawling with their eyes, blinding themselves in the process. If that sounds ridiculous, just think how stupid it would look! And you can’t sell shoes that fit on eyes, which would look even stupider. And think of all those poor kids in Indonesia who wouldn't get to spend their entire lives making shoes for you. I mean, I guess they would make shoes for eyes, but how the hell are you supposed to see anything? People would fight with eyelids, smash bricks with them, open beer bottles--wait, they already do that. I am calling BS on this one! I was just getting over the horror of that when I heard something that made me actually crap my pants, that is if I wore pants, which I do not. Certainly one of the advantages of not wearing any clothing below the waist is that I can crap freely, unencumbered by worrisome skid-marks. Problem? I LIKE skid marks! So please, send me your skid marks, care of this publication. Best one will receive a picture of me wearing them, cavorting about the office with the publishers extremely hot wife. But back to what confused me to begin with...what is all this shit I keep hearing about how supposedly a dogs mouth is cleaner than a humans? I mean, come on! Humans are foul to the extreme, but dogs eat poop! Dogs eat vomit! And I use way too many exclamation points when I write! I mean, are we supposed to believe that they actually have a machine that measures how dirty the inside of a dog’s mouth is? And if they do, isn’t that an incredible waste of taxpayer’s money? I mean, are we supposed to believe they have a building in D.C. filled with scientists that do nothing except measure how dirty the inside of mouths are?
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stretch of the imagination...they have a building called the Capitol where a bunch of dudes do nothing but make-out, or try to pass laws, or something. Maybe they SHOULD measure how dirty a dog’s mouth is, that might be an actual realistic goal for them, and they might actually get something done for once. O.K., real quick, just a few more idiotic remarks and I am out...OK here goes... I am sick to death of the royal baby. Why is it that we love the smell of our own farts and hate everybody else’s? I got stuck in a traffic jam that was caused by people looking at guys throwing a ball on the side of the road. Famous people bottle their own farts and we have samples of them going back to the Middle Ages. When is somebody gonna beat the shit out of Justin Beiber? (sounds like a job for me, actually). Winston Churchill’s parrot is still alive and yells at Germans anytime they drop by Buckingham Palace. The 4th Annual GWAR-B-Q is set for August 17th. Our new album, “Battle Maximus” is ready to be unleashed on a deserving world on Sep. 17 and a huge tour with a brand-new show will follow soon after. Whew. For not having anything to write about this month, I did a pretty good job. See ya next month, Cider-ites!