fail (in fact, days after I wrote this post, I had the worst few days practicing this out in real life!). But there are also more victories than there were even two years ago.
We have to consciously study how to be tender with each other until it becomes a habit. -Audre Lorde
I get up and make choices every day. The choice to encourage, not tear down; to trust God instead of reacting out of a place of worry and fear; to give someone the benefit of the doubt; to overlook a small annoyance or rude comment; to not engage in useless arguments; to turn the other cheek; and to ask for forgiveness even when I don’t think the other person deserves it. At first, I thought God was just making a better person overall – a better sister, daughter, roommate, friend. But then one day He put it in context of marriage and my heart was overwhelmed. Because I saw the Lord walking ahead of me, preparing me for the future and shielding my future marriage from the hardness of my heart.
One night, I stumbled across a sketch on Instagram showing a woman laying a crown on her husband’s head. The husband was kneeling on his knees and had multiple knives coming out of his back. A bit graphic, I know, but bear with me. The caption said something about how the husband has enough enemies in the world and his wife shouldn’t be one of them.
How can a wife be an enemy to her husband? Ladies, this is where words become the most powerful weapon in your arsenal. In Proverbs, Solomon describes a spectrum of adjectives to describe the kind of women we should NOT be: nagging, quarrelsome, fretful, contentious, angry (Proverbs 21:9, 27:15-16, 15:24, 19:13). You know what he’s talking about, right? It’s that scene of the husband coming home from work only to face a mirage of thinly veiled insults, finger-pointing, and “you never take the trash out or do anything to help me at home!”
We have to consciously study how to be tender with each other until it becomes a habit. -Audre Lorde
According to Solomon, (who had 700 wives and 300 concubines so he surely saw his share of all those types of women!), living with a woman with any of those traits is like continual dripping on a rainy day. In fact, it’s better to live in a corner of a roof or in a desert than inside his very wealthy and spacious palaces with a contentious wife.
Someday, you will know a man better than anyone else in his life – you will know his weaknesses, pet peeves, hopes, dreams, inner battles, and you will be by his side through some of life’s most ordinary and extreme experiences. As such, you will be positioned in his life where you’ll have direct access to his heart, soul, mind, and emotions. Specifically, being so close to another person means you will know their flaws inside and out. Some of those flaws may drive you nuts.Give grace and pick your battles. Cover the little annoyances and faults with love, because nobody is perfect. Choose encouragement over criticism, grace over judgment, and faith over fear. Communicate openly and humbly about the big issues. Don’t point fingers.
No man wants to be married to a nagging woman or to exist in a marriage that is more a mine field than a safe haven. And no one wants to hang out with the person who is constantly making negative comments and is quick to point out others’ flaws.
Choose your words wisely, friend, for they have incredible power. Start cultivating these habits today with your friends, family, and co-workers, so that someday your husband may echo Proverbs 12:4:
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.
PS. // For a more in-depth study on the type of women we should NOT be, check out our five day devotional study on the Proverbs 7 woman!