control every aspect of my life. I had to learn to tolerate uncertainty,
take risks and embrace challenges. I had to relinquish the perpetual
search for safety, the scanning for threats, overthinking and all of the
other safety behaviours I came to habitually use. Instead I needed
to turn my attention to taking on new challenges, learning to let go,
breathe, trust and see what happens.
You don’t need to walk around with your umbrella open when it’s not
raining.
It was finally time to get this albatross off my back once and for all.
Living with fear as an ever present enemy is something that hangs
over you eroding your self confidence and chipping away at your self
esteem. It was time to put a harness on that fear.
My opportunity for entering the ring again was determined by me,
in a state where nobody knew me and on my terms. I selected the
Masters Games in South Australia as the venue and told nobody
except my Coach/husband about what I wanted to achieve.
Together, we set about mentally and physically preparing me for
the fight so this time the outcome would be different…I would get
into the ring this time, no pulling out, no second thoughts. Mentally,
the lead up to this fight was one of the hardest things I have ever
done and I experienced a roller coaster of emotions leading up to it.
I questioned myself over and over again but I always kept the big
picture in the back of my mind, which was how I would feel when
the fight was done. I would finally be free of the anxiety that had
kept me a prisoner from the first time I had attempted this.
On the day of the fight, it was the calmest I have ever felt up to this
point, I knew I had done all of the work mentally and physically to
prepare me for this. When the final bell for the final round sounded
you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Anxiety may have won the
first round but I had won the second and most important round of all,
I had won the war within myself.
Worries, Sarah Edelman PHD 2019).
I didn’t know it at the time but the vast majority of negative events
that we anticipate don’t happen, and even when they do, we
manage to get through them. But for me there was no reasoning
with my thoughts and the more I tried to control them the more I
perpetuated them. With less than a week before the fight I made
the decision to pull out, my anxiety had gotten the better of me, my
anxiety had won.
Managing Anxiety:
In retrospect, had I understood the nature of anxiety and what it
feels like to be anxious I would of realized that what I was feeling
was normal. Yes I suffer from catastrophic anxiety but rather than
try and control my irrational thoughts it is more about recognizing
them for what they are and changing my relationship with them.
Some strategies that can help with this process according to Sarah
Edelmen (2019) include reality testing, asking ourselves what is
‘worst, best and most likely’ by using a thought monitoring form.
This involves recording the situation or trigger that gives rise to our
anxiety (or other unwanted emotions), identifying the thoughts and
beliefs that underpin our emotional response, and determining a
more reasonable perspective. By writing down our unreasonable
thoughts and reflecting on the worst, best and most likely outcomes
of our situation we can identify a more reasonable and balanced
perspective for our thoughts.
Facing our Fears:
‘There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The
true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid’. (L Frank Baum,
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz).
From that moment that I pulled out of my fight I had let anxiety rob
me of potentially one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I
had done the work, I was physically prepared but unfortunately
not mentally prepared. This was a pivotal turning point in my
life because I knew I had to start training my mind as hard, if not
harder than what I was training my body. I knew the best way to
overcome my fears was to deliberately confront them. This involved
relinquishing all of the safety behaviour’s I used such as avoiding
situations and over analyzing things in order to keep me safe. The
only way I could release anxiety was by accepting that I cannot
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