June is National PTSD awareness month. Ptsd is something that really hits home for me. Being diagnosed with Ptsd has changed my life in alot of ways. After being diagnosed with Ptsd and having a therapist tell me what the symptoms that one gets with that diagnosis. I realized that I had several traumatic eventsthat had occured in my life which I had dealt with on my own. But, now this lonely event had caused me to reach my breaking point. It had caused me to break down, I could no longer be strong. I had been strong for years, I had faced all of these traumas alone and now I lacked the skills needed to process what was happening to me.
It was not a good feeling needing to rely on a therapist to help tell me what was going on in my own mind, what I needed to watch for and try to avoid, what I should stay away from, sending a list of things to do when I had an episode. I had never relied on anyone in that way, I had never been this vulnerable to emotion, ever. I was up every night with nightmares, I couldn't drive my car because I would randomly break down in panic attacks, I was paranoid about other drivers on the road, I felt like everyone was against me and there was nothing I could do other than sit in my house and feel semi safe from all of this. I could for the most part control what went on there and felt semi safe. I was sleep deprived, didn't want to eat, suffered from constant flashbacks, I all but lost all of the traits that made me who I was. It seemed I was in this black abyss wherein I could not function like a normal person. I felt like I was lost at sea with no shore in sight.
During this time I felt like I had to keep all of this on the inside (with the exception of my therapist) I did not want anyone to know the hell I was going through, In my own mind I thought they would start to view me as weak and I never wanted that stigma. Within my own home I felt like a stranger. My husband tried to understand but all he could do was watch me crumble from the strongest rock he had ever seen into a million grains of sand. He had no idea how to help, no sense that I could not control these things that were occuring in my day to day, he felt as helpless if not moreso than myself. I still don't like to talk much about my traumas but I feel the need to. I feel the need to share my experiences in hopes that I can help even one person to feel like they are not alone, like they can and should have hope that one day they can function again. So that spouses may understand what really goes on in the day to day of a person with PTSD. That is what I have turned this negative experience into. An outlet, a way to cope, a beacon of hope for those effected, a way to regain some sense of normalcy.
Before my diagnosis I had a passion for life that I'd never seen in anyone else. I was going to change the world (as much as one person can anyways). I could conquer anything. I want to get back to that point and sharing my experiences is a step in that direction.