Page 18 CentralBeat / FamilyLife
Are you raising nice kids?
May 2017
Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.
I know, you’ d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group.
About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that“ My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’ m a caring community member in class and school.”
Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.
“ Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write. The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common: 1. Make caring for others a priority Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’ s happiness and achievements over their children’ s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the
Yes, All Children Get Angry
It’ s frightening. It’ s powerful. It jolts parents all across the globe. It may even be parents’ worst nightmare. But it’ s a worldwide known natural inevitability.
All children get angry. Anger is as universal as wars ending nothing.
Sadly we don’ t learn how to deal with anger in parenting school. There is no parenting school! There are no schools to teach us how to deal with emotions. And unknowing parenting can cause serious amount of trouble in the world. Awareness is power!
And when it comes to anger, this ginormous universal feeling, this frightening enigmatic emotion that parents have such a hard time dealing with – and unintentionally mistake for misbehavior— know-how is an unbelievable superpower that can save Parentopolis— and Kidtown— from a lot of pain and regret. And anger. Naturally. An angry child is just the tip of a serious, secret, titanic iceberg.
Wouldn’ t life be so much easier if all parents knew how to reach out for their angry child? When you research human behaviour, you start seeing patterns and discovering how the whole human mechanics work. And we are so mistaken about kids.
It may look odd at first. But once you realize what’ s going on inside of you and inside your child, you’ ll find aha moments everywhere! When children rage, they are, in fact, communicating. They are begging for our help. And longing for connection.
Which makes it harder because disconnection is the mainstream. We can all operate under disconnection perfectly. Although we are all biologically wired for the opposite. How odd is that?
Why is it so hard for parents to deal with an angry child? Point blank? The reason is in equal parts easy and intricate. Most parents grew up with their big feelings scolded. Believe it or not, all of us raged, were angry or raised our hands at our parents at some point. We just don’ t remember it anymore.
Most of us were taught we weren’ t allowed to manifest our big feeling by raging. That’ s another reason why it’ s so hard to cope with this matter. We might not understand now why our children get so angry. Everything was fine just now, what in the world happened for my kid to snap like that? Right?
Rage is a manifestation of big feelings. Children can’ t come up to you and say:“ I’ m so frustrated these Lego pieces keep falling down and you keep distracting me.” A 3-year-old can’ t tell you:“ I saw the teacher at school yelling at my best friend and I felt indignant. And he cried. And I felt bad because he cried and I felt so impotent I couldn’ t help him.”
Children act and react the way they can and know how. The way we, as parents react to those manifestations is what makes the difference.
It’ s scary. It’ s confusing. I know. But it’ s even scarier for them. They are not giving you
needs of others, whether it’ s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’ s never too late to become a good person, but it won’ t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving— and they’ re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition— whether it’ s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job— make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’ s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this: • Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways. 3. Expand your child’ s circle of concern. Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’ t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this: • Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e. g.“ Should I invite a new neighbour to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’ t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’ t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’ s thinking and listen to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this: • Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this: Here’ s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.
( Dr Amy Joyce: The Washington Post) a hard time. They are having a hard time. Managing our own emotions before addressing an angry child and understanding why it makes us pop when a child rages, being familiar with what happens inside a child’ s brain: all those factors are key.
An angry child communicates huge feelings. Or deep wants. Or deep unwants. Under the surface of anger, deep hurts are buried. Connection is key. Have you ever tried to unlock a door with a pillow?
When your child is angry, stay with him / her. You will be under fire, but stay with your child. You know when you feel fine and all of a sudden you go into the kitchen and realize you have the tower of dishes to wash? You are your child’ s safe harbour.
We all need someone to unburden our troubles with. Children are no different. If your child trusts you, if she feels she can unburden her big feelings with you, she will blow off her steam in front of you. Believe it or not, that’ s a good thing.
Here are three things that you can do.
Nothing: Nothing? I know, I know. Your face is like that flabbergasted Facebook emoji right now. But nothing is the best thing to do. When a child rages at you she’ s not really raging at you. Being still allows the child to unburden what’ s bothering her and will be able to recover in your warmth.“ I’ m here for you” is enough. And then be still and wait. Like in the song. With arms wide open.
Listen: Like each and every one of us, a child just needs to feel heard and feel supported when she’ s upset. Do we need nagging, corrections or lectures when we’ re not OK? Neither do children. A child needs parents to hear her. Not just hear.
Listen. Listen actively. Quietly. Without judgment. We always tend to rush to comment or say something back when children talk. A simple:“ I see” or“ Oh” or silence will do. Offer comfort:“ I’ m here if you need / when you’ re ready for a hug.“ These words are magic. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’ t. All you can do is keep on trying.
( Courtesy MJ Silva, Huffington Post)