Page 18 CentralBeat / FamilyLife
Are you raising nice kids ?
May 2017
Earlier this year , I wrote about teaching empathy , and whether you are a parent who does so . The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd , a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education , who runs the Making Caring Common project , aimed to help teach kids to be kind .
I know , you ’ d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves , right ? Not so , according to a new study released by the group .
About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others . The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “ My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I ’ m a caring community member in class and school .”
Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring , respectful and responsible adults . Why is this important ? Because if we want our children to be moral people , we have to , well , raise them that way .
“ Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them . They need adults who will help them become caring , respectful , and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood ,” the researchers write . The five strategies to raise moral , caring children , according to Making Caring Common : 1 . Make caring for others a priority Why ? Parents tend to prioritize their children ’ s happiness and achievements over their children ’ s concern for others . But children need to learn to balance their needs with the
Yes , All Children Get Angry
It ’ s frightening . It ’ s powerful . It jolts parents all across the globe . It may even be parents ’ worst nightmare . But it ’ s a worldwide known natural inevitability .
All children get angry . Anger is as universal as wars ending nothing .
Sadly we don ’ t learn how to deal with anger in parenting school . There is no parenting school ! There are no schools to teach us how to deal with emotions . And unknowing parenting can cause serious amount of trouble in the world . Awareness is power !
And when it comes to anger , this ginormous universal feeling , this frightening enigmatic emotion that parents have such a hard time dealing with – and unintentionally mistake for misbehavior — know-how is an unbelievable superpower that can save Parentopolis — and Kidtown — from a lot of pain and regret . And anger . Naturally . An angry child is just the tip of a serious , secret , titanic iceberg .
Wouldn ’ t life be so much easier if all parents knew how to reach out for their angry child ? When you research human behaviour , you start seeing patterns and discovering how the whole human mechanics work . And we are so mistaken about kids .
It may look odd at first . But once you realize what ’ s going on inside of you and inside your child , you ’ ll find aha moments everywhere ! When children rage , they are , in fact , communicating . They are begging for our help . And longing for connection .
Which makes it harder because disconnection is the mainstream . We can all operate under disconnection perfectly . Although we are all biologically wired for the opposite . How odd is that ?
Why is it so hard for parents to deal with an angry child ? Point blank ? The reason is in equal parts easy and intricate . Most parents grew up with their big feelings scolded . Believe it or not , all of us raged , were angry or raised our hands at our parents at some point . We just don ’ t remember it anymore .
Most of us were taught we weren ’ t allowed to manifest our big feeling by raging . That ’ s another reason why it ’ s so hard to cope with this matter . We might not understand now why our children get so angry . Everything was fine just now , what in the world happened for my kid to snap like that ? Right ?
Rage is a manifestation of big feelings . Children can ’ t come up to you and say : “ I ’ m so frustrated these Lego pieces keep falling down and you keep distracting me .” A 3-year-old can ’ t tell you : “ I saw the teacher at school yelling at my best friend and I felt indignant . And he cried . And I felt bad because he cried and I felt so impotent I couldn ’ t help him .”
Children act and react the way they can and know how . The way we , as parents react to those manifestations is what makes the difference .
It ’ s scary . It ’ s confusing . I know . But it ’ s even scarier for them . They are not giving you
needs of others , whether it ’ s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied .
How ? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority . A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations , such as honoring their commitments , even if it makes them unhappy . For example , before kids quit a sports team , band , or a friendship , we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting .
2 . Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why ? It ’ s never too late to become a good person , but it won ’ t happen on its own . Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others ’ lives . Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful , generous , compassionate , and forgiving — and they ’ re also more likely to be happy and healthy .
How ? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument . Daily repetition — whether it ’ s a helping a friend with homework , pitching in around the house , or having a classroom job — make caring second nature and develop and hone youth ’ s caregiving capacities . Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it .
Try this : • Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime , bedtime , in the car , or on the subway . Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways . 3 . Expand your child ’ s circle of concern . Why ? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends . Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle , such as the new kid in class , someone who doesn ’ t speak their language , the school custodian , or someone who lives in a distant country .
How ? Children need to learn to zoom in , by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle , and to zoom out , by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily , including those who are vulnerable . They also need to consider how their decisions , such as quitting a sports team or a band , can ripple out and harm various members of their communities . Especially in our more global world , children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own .
Try this : • Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country .
4 . Be a strong moral role model and mentor .
Why ? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect . They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults , e . g . “ Should I invite a new neighbour to my birthday party when my best friend doesn ’ t like her ?”
How ? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty , fairness , and caring ourselves . But it doesn ’ t mean being perfect all the time . For our children to respect and trust us , we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws . We also need to respect children ’ s thinking and listen to their perspectives , demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others .
Try this : • Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month . Even better , do this service with your child .
5 . Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why ? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger , shame , envy , or other negative feelings .
How ? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay , but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful . Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways .
Try this : Here ’ s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down : ask your child to stop , take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth , and count to five . Practice when your child is calm . Then , when you see her getting upset , remind her about the steps and do them with her . After a while she ’ ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way .
( Dr Amy Joyce : The Washington Post ) a hard time . They are having a hard time . Managing our own emotions before addressing an angry child and understanding why it makes us pop when a child rages , being familiar with what happens inside a child ’ s brain : all those factors are key .
An angry child communicates huge feelings . Or deep wants . Or deep unwants . Under the surface of anger , deep hurts are buried . Connection is key . Have you ever tried to unlock a door with a pillow ?
When your child is angry , stay with him / her . You will be under fire , but stay with your child . You know when you feel fine and all of a sudden you go into the kitchen and realize you have the tower of dishes to wash ? You are your child ’ s safe harbour .
We all need someone to unburden our troubles with . Children are no different . If your child trusts you , if she feels she can unburden her big feelings with you , she will blow off her steam in front of you . Believe it or not , that ’ s a good thing .
Here are three things that you can do .
Nothing : Nothing ? I know , I know . Your face is like that flabbergasted Facebook emoji right now . But nothing is the best thing to do . When a child rages at you she ’ s not really raging at you . Being still allows the child to unburden what ’ s bothering her and will be able to recover in your warmth . “ I ’ m here for you ” is enough . And then be still and wait . Like in the song . With arms wide open .
Listen : Like each and every one of us , a child just needs to feel heard and feel supported when she ’ s upset . Do we need nagging , corrections or lectures when we ’ re not OK ? Neither do children . A child needs parents to hear her . Not just hear .
Listen . Listen actively . Quietly . Without judgment . We always tend to rush to comment or say something back when children talk . A simple : “ I see ” or “ Oh ” or silence will do . Offer comfort : “ I ’ m here if you need / when you ’ re ready for a hug . “ These words are magic . Sometimes they work , sometimes they don ’ t . All you can do is keep on trying .
( Courtesy MJ Silva , Huffington Post )