Nouhad upstairs, who passes by later in the day to
when distressed.” Dubiously uplifting, but
sit with me a bit and welcome me back to Beirut
somehow enough to slide me into a deep sleep.
and to the building, and smiles when she sees I look
Finally.
drained.
“We’ll get together and catch up properly this
The following few days are spent walking
along the Hamra streets again, lolling around in
week, whenever you like. And just come by or call
bookstores, browsing through Lebanese histories
anytime. So wonderful having you here.” She hugs
and novels, stocking up on groceries: soft and salty
me, her pixie-short hair brushing my cheek. The
halloum cheese, paper-thin bread called khibz
leftovers from last night are even more welcome
markouk, deliciously juicy lopsided tomatoes, sweet
right now, and after heating up some dinner, I climb
cucumber-like summer vegetables called me’te. I
into bed with a copy of Alain De Botton’s tongue-
take naps, cry, try to pull myself back together by
in-cheek self-help book How Proust Can Change
smiling for no reason—a trick I once read about in a
Your Life, based loosely on the life and writings of
newspaper mental health column—and answer
Marcel Proust. Each of the five times I’ve read the
more phone calls from aunts, uncles, cousins, and
slim little volume, I’ve felt I’d stumbled into the
family friends. “So you’re here! How’s it going so
best head-straightening drug. I flip to the chapter
far?” “It’s so nice to have you in Beirut.” “Will you
titled “How to Suffer Successfully”:
come to lunch on Sunday?” “Are you free for
Sensitive to any disruption of routine or
dinner on Tuesday?” “Do you have everything you
habit, Proust suffers from homesickness and
need at home?” “Will you promise to call anytime
fears that every journey will kill him. He
you need anything?”
explains that in the first few days in a new place,
Having so much family around, scores of
he is as unhappy as certain animals when night
relatives on both sides who either never left
comes (it is not clear which animals he has in
Lebanon or moved back after the war, makes me
mind) . . . Proust preferred to spend most of his
feel instantly embraced in a way I’d forgotten about.
time in bed. He turned it into his desk and office.
How strange to suddenly be surrounded by people
Did it provide a defense against the cruel world
who love you for no other reason than that you’re
outside? “When one is sad, it is lovely to lie in
Salma, their niece or cousin, or the daughter of their
the warmth of one’s bed, and there, with all
old friends. But at the moment, I’m too
effort and struggle at an end, even perhaps with
overwhelmed to sound upbeat on the phone, and
one’s head under the blankets, surrender
I’m hoping they don’t hear the blues in my voice.
completely to wailing, like branches in an
autumn wind.”
But there’s a self-help message lurking in all
In my first couple of weeks, I’m also trying out
different cafés every day, hoping to find the perfect
environment where I can settle in for hours and
the self-pity. “Proust’s suggestion,” writes De
work on the freelance editing and writing
Botton, “is that we become properly inquisitive only
assignments I brought with me from the States. I