this ugly twisty grimace, it didn’t even look like he was enjoying it, but in the middle he said: “i could kill you
right now, if i wanted to.” he put his hands around my throat & took me just to the edge of pass-out & as i was
about to float out of my body i had this thought like, wow, he is going to kill me with my favorite kink, is that
irony or just a really shitty coincidence? he didn’t kill me, he came inside me instead, then afterwards he said:
“no one’s going to believe you, you know. i’m a god in this town, and you’re no one. just a crazy slut.” those
were the last words he ever said to me.
things got bad. if you saw me out and about, you know. i cried in a lot of bar bathrooms. i got blackout drunk
& took too many pills. sometimes i’d see apollo at a show or whatever, & he would look right through me, like
i was invisible, like i really was no one. at home alone in my apartment i thought about him. tried to convince
myself it was all somehow my fault. tried to figure out why i hadn’t noticed the signs. how had he come across
as this sweet sensitive loverboy when he was such a scumfuck? & i felt weird & nauseous all the time & con-
vinced myself i was pregnant, & what the fuck would i do if i was, thank god i was wrong about that.
then things got worse. i literally hadn’t told anyone but he preemptively told his rock’n’roll bros & the young
girls who think he’s hot shit about me. i don’t know what he said without incriminating himself but obviously
he told them that i was a liar, a psycho bitch. cuz they’d all corner me at the clubs, hissing those words. one
chick spat on my boots. it got so bad i considered moving to a different town.
but one night i was back at thee olympus, sobbing in the filthy bathroom, & this woman (who, for now, wants
to stay anonymous), said: “hey, um, i know you don’t know me. & i’m sorry if this is invasive but....i heard
some rumors about you & apollo &......me too.” i looked up at her & my face was all covered in snot & tears &
smeared makeup & she started to cry too & i stood up & we hugged & just held on so tight.
that’s why i’m writing this. because if there are any girls out there besides me & my bathroom angel—& at this
point i’m sure there are—then i owe it to them to come forward. & maybe they will be brave & tell their sto-
ries, too. cuz even if no one believes me, it’s gonna be a lot harder to ignore two, three, ten of us. a punk rock
greek chorus scream-singing the story that everyone needs to hear so it doesn’t repeat, not ever again.
we are coming for you apollo. just you try & shut your ears.
11
Cauldron Anthology