This is not the way things are supposed to be.
On a normal day, the seeker, usually a man, will stumble over an embarrassed greeting. At a nod from me, he will place his offering on the ground at his feet and then ask his question. The questions almost always ends the same way:“ What should I do?” And my answer is almost always:“ What do you want to do?” But this is not going to be a typical transaction of clarity for money, reassurance for coin, wisdom for sustenance. This is not a normal day. Just silence from him and from me with only the creaking of my chair to give any indication of the passage of time. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Finally I can bear the silence no more.“ Who are you?” My throat constricts at the novelty of being the first to speak. Seconds become minutes as we just stare at each other. Then...“ Who do you want me to be?” The rocking of my chair falters, ever so slightly. A cloud moves in front of the sun, casting us into shadow. A sparrow lands on the back of a stone lioness, cocking its head at me as if it, too, is waiting for the answer. I have no answer. I have only questions. Questions for him. Questions for myself. It has been a long time since a Kalip Woman was the question instead of the answer.“ Why are you here?” It’ s the barest whisper from me. My voice, always so strong, fails me. He begins to smile, his lips stretching back over white, even teeth. It is a smile of flowers and rainbows after a storm, of earthquakes and nightmares where I wake up in a cold sweat not knowing where I am.
“ Why are you here?” I don’ t see his mouth move, but I hear his words( my words) just the same. Different emphasis. Different meaning.
I find my rhythm again, creaking wood, back and forth. Back and forth.“ I am here to answer your questions.” My voice is stronger now.“ And if I have no questions?” Still that smile from him, all rotting flesh and roses.“ Then I can give you no answers and we are at an impasse.” His smile widens.“ What about the answers to your questions?”“ I have no questions in need of answers.” Ice begins to churn inside me. Where has my fire gone?“ Then you are a liar.”