The pregnancy ends on the fourth month . I sit in the doctor ’ s office and feel around my stomach . There is a feeling like boulders have been li ed off my back . I am terrible . I don ’ t tell my husband . He touches my face and speaks in warm murmurs that melt into the walls of our house .
The world is saved but my husband acts like it still ended . He sits in the living room with the television off and his hands together .
I wake up to my birth control pills floating in the toilet . “ Another , please ?” My husband cries into his eggs in the dining room when I ask about my birth control . “ Just one . I don ’ t care how many anymore .”
I argue that my body is broken , doesn ’ t he understand ? I eat my own cold eggs and watch him look out the window . He gets up and leaves me alone . I dig my fork into his deserted eggs , grinding my teeth together .
We sleep on opposite sides of the bed , like I imagine the continents appeared when they first separated in the ancient times . I scratch my face and fall into a deeply uncomfortable sleep . When I wake up with my heart beating fast and my nails digging into my legs , my husband remains asleep .
Maybe the world is going to end a er all . My husband leaves on a Tuesday , his little duffle bag slamming against his hip as he walks . I sit in the bathtub a erward , listening for him to come back .
I dream that my husband is a big boulder , falling onto my body and knocking the wind out of me . I am alive but I am suffocating . Tiny pebbles come up in my throat . The earth shakes and he finally topples off of me . My body is smushed and yet I can feel beautiful cold air hitting my face .
It rains and I think of my husband . He calls the house and hangs up when I answer . I imagine he is stretched out somewhere , thinking that I am changing my mind about children , and I am ready to end my world for him . My mother calls and I tell her everything . She asks me what I want . Do I even love my husband ? Of course , I do .
I eat the bread my mom sent last time , when my husband was still here . It is still sweet and so and delicious . My fingers move the crumbs across the table . If my husband were here , he would have eaten all the bread before I could even get a taste . It begins to rain again . The rain is a miracle . No one thought it would rain again . I step outside and look at the gray sky and feel its kisses sliding down my face .