permanent/total after using about 15 different medications in a rotation trying to find which works best, 8 or 9 of those meds 3-4 times a day; then painkillers and in and out of psyche wards. I ended up grabbing this guy's dog in the middle of the street at a bus stop where 20 people were standing and chopped it up with a knife; I was absolutely dangerous and out of control. I waived my rights to a lawyer and told the court how it all went down from where I stand. The Judge said, "Mr. Duell, you are not in Iraq anymore, this will be your only chance you will ever get, you need help." I was facing 7-11 years in prison before I waived my rights and told them how it went down, I got 6 months in jail and 5 years on probation.
This was probably one of the greatest opportunities in my life and I took it, I let his words ring in my spirit like a constant reminder if how far from humanity I had gone. If I wanted to act like an animal they were gonna put me away for a long time. I took charge and started going to some heavy PTSD groups in Batavia, 7-8 weeks long, lots of counseling and therapy. But, the pills made me so doped out I didn’t feel like I was progressing. Constantly in a drugged haze of mud, it was a terrible way to get through it.
I ended up getting married and having a baby, I had a hard time taking pills and watching the baby, it was too difficult so we tapered down on medications to just the basics which made things harder for my family. When Iraq would hurt me, my family would feel the pain. I was very emotional and in a lot of physical pain which amplified my mental distortion. My daughter was 3 and my wife and I decided I was gonna just use Cannabis as medication, no more meds from the VA.
It has been a year since our decision, my Cannabis use went up a lot and has stayed that way since but I feel better. My wife says “I feel like there are good and bad sides. Good- your memory has improved and your cognitive function overall, you got your libido back, your creativity is way up, you will actually take your medication because it's something you enjoy and doesn’t make you feel bad and it’s expensive when you are buying, and I do worry about you getting arrested. I feel like the good does outweigh the bad.”
So instead of just taking the pills, I took on a challenge to change me. It is still an uphill struggle every day and at the end of somedays I say I can’t wait for tomorrow because today is done. But I never give up. Like this morning writing this, I have been crying for 4 hours thinking about all the things that happened so I could make sure I got my point across clearly. Before I couldn’t go back in there without losing a week of real time. Today I will continue mission as if this was just a counseling session. The more you talk about it the softer it seems to impact you as long as you spend time picking through the things that have you in knots and undoing them.
For me Cannabis has been an instrument to pause my memories and sort through them, like slowing them down so I can see them clearer, it also has some time warping and memory loss effects that have been very beneficial in
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