I decided I needed to do something uncomfortable ; something that I never imagined myself doing . I decided I was going to step on stage and compete . As I said those words out aloud , I did not believe them . I chuckled in my head with self doubt and imposter syndrome , saying “ who are you kidding , you can ’ t do that .” But I had an amazing coach who taught me to “ trust the process .”
“ Trust the Process ” are three words that can change the trajectory of any journey . It encourages you to cultivate patience ; to focus on the long-term gains over the short-term frustrations . “ Trusting the Process ” allows you to build resilience by staying committed even through the slow and challenging times . When you “ Trust the Process ,” you enter into a binding agreement with yourself to muster up the strength and enjoy the ride , no matter how bumpy .
My ride was definitely bumpy . I started 2024 off with 16 weeks of prep as I was aiming for a show in April but soon realized that I hated everything about this . I hated the workouts , the food , and the deprivation . I realized that it was not my time , and I needed more than 16 weeks . My coach allowed me one date change . Truthfully , in hindsight , I never fully committed to that first April show . I spent the following months figuring how to navigate an even tougher schedule . I continued to work on myself and began to practice meditation and perhaps the biggest lesson that this process taught me was to open my heart . I was blown away with the fact that by opening my heart , I received an outpouring of love in return .
Although it took a while , things started to fall into place . The training was good and I was leaning into the challenges my coach threw my way . I even stayed consistent while traveling . I was five weeks out – there could be no excuses now . I was more than committed and I knew that I had to be locked in .
Then the unimaginable happened .
I was driving home from work on a sunny October afternoon ; excited for my “ mommy and son ” date . My son and I had plans to get lunch and then watch the Deadpool movie . But then I received an unexpected phone call from my crying aunt , but I could not understand what she was saying to me . It suddenly occurred to her that I did not know yet and so before hanging up , she told me to call my mom . I called my mom at once and my brother answered . This was odd . I knew something bad had happened . I demanded to know what was wrong and my brother replied , “ Dad died … he was killed in an accident .” Everything fell silent and my body felt numb . As a doctor I have seen my fair share of death , but nothing could prepare me for this moment . How did this happen ? Why did this happen ? Even as I write this , I am still searching for answers . My dad was a simple and kind man . He loved WWE wrestling and he loved bodybuilding . As a young man , he was fond of wrestling and weightlifting . When I spoke to my dad about my competition , he would laugh in a cute way , and say , “ good job … I ’ m proud of you .” So why would he leave the world and not see me compete ? I felt broken and confused .
It was not clear to me what I was supposed to do next . So , the next day , I woke up as always and went to the gym . As I did my hour-long cardio session , I watched videos of my dad and listened to songs that reminded me of him . Then I practiced my posing routine , while wiping the tears from my eyes . I wanted