coach tell me to go on vacation , not track , eat dessert and drink a glass of wine here and there , promising me I will be just fine . During prep , where she does not accept any slip-ups or lame excuses and is as tough a coach as anyone would look for who wants to succeed in this sport , she has also shown me how to keep my recovery a priority – exactly knowing when it ’ s time to slow down , pull back and focus on hot baths , massages , stretching instead of hustling ahead and more than anything . She also knows when to interrupt the mean voices in my head that keep telling me “ not good enough , assuring me we will be ready , and it will be enough .
I ’ m forever grateful for the experience . It has challenged my mind and my patterns in more ways than I can count , and I ’ m not claiming it is the right path for everyone who suffers from similar issues . It is my path , it is my healing journey and it ’ s my love for this sport that drives me to get better , not just physically but even more so mentally , every day of my life .
I found this sport late in life , being well over 40 today , but I have finally come to develop trust in my body and a deep sense of “ I ’ m enough ”, even feeling beautiful , and seeing my body as a gift to cherish . I have come to know my triggers and how to avoid them . I will forever feel blood rushing through my veins and my heart raising as soon as I step on a scale – I can handle it fine during prep when the trend goes downwards , but I will not set foot on it during reverse and off-season and simply go by how I look and mostly , feel . I have learned what my body is truly capable off – it ’ s quite miraculous really , even after having carried and birthed twins , to be able to achieve a competitive physique . I look at pictures of myself on stage or during prep and I ’ m simply in awe that this is really me . I can also look at my healthy , fuller body in off-season and feel grateful . My thinking is no longer dominated by the calories I consume , forever wanting to be “ less ”. The endless thoughts around it have been replaced by a sense of peace and freedom , ease and a deep appreciation for how far I have come .
Do I have tough days , especially during reverse or those check-ins when I just look at my photos and feel too soft ? Absolutely . However , there are also moments when I notice how much has changed : I recently returned from an all-inclusive trip , dreading to take my pictures , but ended up looking at them smiling , seeing a bit of weight gain , but feeling it was well worth it .
Yes , I have an eating disorder . It will forever be part of me . There are many great teachers along my journey who helped me to get to where I am today . Body building is one of them , and