We hear these stories all the time , how girls who suffered from eating disorders found weight training and through that , their way into body building , where they replaced skinny with strong . But is it really that easy ? In my case , and I assume , many others , things aren ’ t all that clear cut . And yet , I can say with confidence and full awareness of areas where I ’ m still struggling , that the sport has largely contributed to my healing .
My journey out of anorexia , binge eating and body dysmorphia has been a long one , with many setbacks . Like any additive behaviour , you never leave it behind completely , you never return to a childlike carefreeness around food , it ’ s forever present in your mind , and food is never just nourishment . Like alcoholism , you carry it with you – only in this case , you can ’ t avoid the substance . Instead , you simply learn to get present to and manage your triggers in order to avoid destructive behaviour .
I had struggled with eating disorders since my early 20 ’ s , and sought help in years of therapy , yoga and personal development to get to the root of my complicated relationship with food and my body , and the patterns I had formed around it . In my case , it had a lot to do with not feeling “ good enough ”, not being who I was supposed to be in order to be loved – feelings that I carried with me since my childhood . This had lead to constantly trying to proving myself in what was challenging , a tendency towards self-punishment along with unhealthy perfectionism .
Let ’ s face it , often these are the same patterns that attract people to competitive body building – the discipline , the hustle , the hardship and more than anything , “ control ”. This is where I feel many of us with disordered eating end up masking our issues , replacing one way to control our bodies and mostly our body fat , with another . To this day , counting macros gives me that sense of control and safety . Struggling with self-trust is part of the equation – feeling if there is no strict framework for my food consumption , I may fall victim to binging , “ get fat ”, and ultimately – lose control .
How is this about “ healing ”, you may ask at this point ? To get there , I think it ’ s important to be aware of and own where I still mask , and others may as well . Aside from controlling my food intake , I sometimes worry body building replaced one extreme with the other ; at least there is the same tendency to achieve an extreme as stageleanness through intense restriction of food and excessive cardio .
However , what changed for me is how it feels on the inside . Was I loathing my body before , forever feeling too fat , even when I could see my entire rib cage , I have learned to love it , throughout all stages of prep and off-season . As hard as it is to reverse out of stage conditioning , as much as it feels like “ undoing progress ” – it is the opposite . I have come to accept it as an important part of my growth journey and learned to embrace it . I have also learned to love food and consume it without guilt , even the cheat meals here and there . For someone who hadn ’ t eaten a burger from the age of 15 to the age of 42 , who would never touch carbs and didn ’ t even know what a cheesecake tasted like – these dinners out to me feel like a small victory today .
More than anything , I have come to find balance , something that simply didn ’ t exist for me in the past . Letting go and relaxing I had labelled as “ lazy ”, the mean voices of my childhood internalized , forever pushing me to go harder , do better , in the hope I would eventually feel “ enough ” – which of course always remained unfulfilled . Throughout my body building journey I came to see the evidence that recovery is a huge part of the equation , that pushing through injuries has no purpose and that too much stress on my body is hindering progress . I ’ m blessed to have found a coach in IFBB Pro Julia Schroeder for the past 2.5 years who not only understands the struggle but also knows exactly how to coach me through it . It ’ s been invaluable for me to have my