COLUMNS
A Guide to Defusing Inter-Band Conflict
By Mike Schwartz
Playing in a band is a lot like marriage . I mean , we could even go as far to say that working in the music business is a lot like marriage . As Kenny Rogers would say , you got to know when to hold ‘ em and know when to fold ‘ em . And after a recent production experience turned south , involving a client who happened to also be a personal friend , I sought the guidance from the dude who turns “ Relationshits Into Relationships ” himself , one of my coaches , Mr . Ryan J Walla , in order to course correct and save the project , the relationship , and face .
Here ’ s Ryan ’ s step-by-step “ De-Fuser Method ” for if you ever come up against a conflict in the band , in the studio , or anywhere else in life .
Step 1 : Apologize Sometimes , when you ’ re aware of the power of your words , the apology means a lot more about your compassion and care for the relationship and less about you . This is the first key concept of the “ Walla De-fuser Method ” of conflict resolution in hostile situations . Apologize for what has happened .
Then , take it to the next level with “ thank you for your understanding ” rather than “ sorry for …” I did this and my client felt heard and was eager to accept the compliment . Plus , I kept my self-confidence and power .
We were on the right track to finding a solution …
Apologize for what you let happen .
Step 3 : Acknowledge the other person or people The space you can create by saying something like , “ I want you to know I hear you and I thank you for sharing your thoughts …” helps reinforce your genuine care to move forward and learn from this situation with peace and harmony ! This is key for you to establish yourself as a considerate human being .
Apologize for what you let happen and acknowledge that you see the other party as a person with feelings .
Step 4 : Emphasize value and appreciation for the other person To paraphrase Ryan Walla , a conversation is when both sides genuinely hear each other out without judgment or shame . Keep this in mind when a dispute comes up . Open minds can think , open hearts can love , and open hands are much easier to shake . Consider that .
For me , I said : “ I see you . I see all of the hard work you ’ ve been doing to create the life of your dreams . You ’ ve overcome so much adversity and despite setbacks , you continue to lead with your heart . I value that . Thank you .”
Apologize for what you let happen , acknowledge that person and their feelings , and genuinely express that you appreciate them . them , since they ’ re a mere reflection of you ( because we ’ re all connected and reflections of ourselves …) you ’ re really forgiving yourself and allowing yourself the time , space , and energy to move forward from the learning experience ( a . k . a . conflict ).
So , apologize for what you let happen , acknowledge that you see the other party as a person with feelings and genuinely show that you appreciate them . Ask them for forgiveness for creating this mess . Now , present options to move forward .
In closing , I ’ ll invite you to take a breath the next time you ’ re experiencing a dispute at the till , a moment in traffic , or a fiery argument on the phone with your partner . That breath will help you keep clarity , conscious communication and solutions-based thinking for when the stakes get much higher with your next musical studio project , your band rehearsal , or that world tour road manager pushing you for another interview . Those are good “ problems ” to have … and much better opportunities if you so choose to see them that way !
Step 2 : Own the situation Once you ’ ve offered a thank you , that ’ s the verbal “ I come in peace ” and things will go from 11 to three on the Bieber scale of intense emotions . ( That ’ s right , The Bieber Scale - that three could be compared to his early , less intense days …) Extreme ownership of the entire situation will leave both people feeling empowered . If your knee-jerk reaction is anything less than 100 % complete responsibility , you run the risk of having a fallout where the blame game gets played . In my situation , I simply said , “ Listen , I wanna take full responsibility for mixing business with our personal relationship .”
Step 5 : Ask for forgiveness This is it . The ability to ask for forgiveness is a next level ninja skill for conflict resolution and life in general . Here ’ s why : When we hold onto things that emotionally charge us , oftentimes the other person we ’ re busy spitting venom at is completely unaware of that fire that ’ s burning inside us . You ’ re limiting yourself by holding grudges against others around you . Yes , that includes the dude that cut you off in traffic , that bully back in high school , and your ex that dumped you for your best friend . Be a real gangster and ask for forgiveness from the other side . When you ask for forgiveness from
Mike Schwartz is an artist-first Fitness Professional and the creator of The Music Fit Method . If you want to learn more about The Music Fit Method and radically change your life forever , reach out and book a complementary Focus session . Head to
www . musicfitcollective . com .
30 CANADIAN MUSICIAN