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My Top 5 Tips for Combining Music & Motherhood
By Barbara Lica
As a musician , the prospect of having a baby always felt like forbidden fruit . Mine is a career with all the time and energy demands of a tech start-up without the income for a full-time nanny .
Before I ultimately decided to start my own family , I conducted a fair amount of research within the arts community , and it ’ s amazing how much condescension I encountered . There were some who assumed I only wanted this for my husband ( because an ambitious feminist like me couldn ’ t possibly dream of something so conformist and pedestrian ), some who reflexively asked what I would do instead of performing , some who claimed that if I even had to wonder about motherhood , I wasn ’ t ready for it , and even a successful woman director who took the opportunity to tell me how much harder it was for her than it ’ s going to be for me : “ It ’ s so easy for women now . Everything has changed since my time , so I really don ’ t know what you ’ re worrying about , sweetie ”.
Well , I ’ m here to tell you what it ’ s been like for me so far and what it might be like for other women in music , even though all women ’ s problems have been solved now . I ’ m going to impart this information under the guise of a list because lists soothe me :
1 . Keep working Pregnancy can be really , really bad . It can also be beautiful , or just sort of bad , but there ’ s a wider range of possibility than people will have you think . I experienced everything from pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel , sciatica , and TMJ ( yes , your jaw can get dislodged from relaxin coursing through your body ), to something my doctor officially referred to as “ lightning crotch .”
Despite all these symptoms , I arranged several orchestral scores over the course of my pregnancy via Zoom with a good friend . Working made my pregnancy tolerable ; the more I worked , the less I focused on how terrible I felt . My physical challenges allowed me to lower my pride and lean on other musicians , which in turn , led to opportunities for collaboration and building momentum on new projects . It was the beginning of realizing that starting this new chapter wasn ’ t going to be the end of my music career , but rather , a chance to accept change and adapt . I was already growing as an artist , both figuratively and literally .
2 . But also stop working When baby Oliver arrived , I wanted to be an example for all women . My husband was on paternity leave from teaching , I had booked a show for two months post-partum , and my new chamber orchestra ’ s live debut was just around the corner . What I never considered was that I might actually like the little guy and want to spend time bonding with him . I realized then that I was part of the problem , somehow perpetuating the idea that being a mother – or dare I say , enjoying it – is somehow weak or , at best , unoriginal .
When I finally stopped to take a breath and spend an entire day just holding my baby , it was as though I was transported to my favourite gig of all time . I could see and hear that precise moment when thousands of people began to sing “ La Vie en Rose ” with us at the top of their Francophone lungs , and all this without countless hours of rehearsal , show advances , travel , and auditing myself to account for government funding . I had finally discovered something , nay , someone , that I loved more than music … and it changed everything !
I now completely understand why some women quit music to better serve their families . When you stumble upon unimaginable joy , why not build your life around it ? Having made a different but equally valid choice to continue making music , I do so with a different assessment of my time . Now , when I ’ m booking shows or lectures or songwriting sessions , I ’ m not racing into the sunset after the faint possibility of a feeling . I find myself prioritizing work that is truly artistically and / or financially rewarding from the outset , work that merits time spent away from my son .
3 . It takes a village I know , what a cliché piece of advice ! But for me , the transition from a baby that slept all day to one that rolled like a suicidal elephant seal meant it was time for all hands on deck . While western TV and movies might make you think you can and should do this parenting thing on your own , millions of multi-generational homes continue to be a thriving thing around the globe for good reason .
Beyond just family , Facebook and local billboards led us to several community parent groups , platforms to exchange parenting ideas , access affordable or free second-hand baby gear , and receive regular reminders for city-run recreation sign-ups ( FYI , these sign-up days are more intense than trying to purchase Spice Girls tickets in 1998 ). All of this to say that there are no special trophies for martyrs and lone wolves balancing music with motherhood .
Remember that gig I took at two months post-partum ? Well , it was a resounding success , thanks in no small part to my dad who drove , my mom and cousin who babysat , and my husband who lugged gear around backstage . Then last week , I went on a cottage vacation with two other families where we shared parenting responsibilities , all while my doctoral candidate guitarist served as my overqualified cat sitter . Everything I ’ ve ever heard about motherhood
28 CANADIAN MUSICIAN