Business Fit Magazine March 2019 Issue 1 | Page 14

Mindset & Emotion
Mastering Adjustment
Due to their life circumstances changing so often,
Third Culture Kids (TCKs) learn to adjust quickly.
New country, new language, new culture, new city,
new school, new friends, new day care, new house,
new food, new customs, new smells, new sounds…
Like it or not, these children do not have much of
a choice, do they? But there is one thing most TCKs
learn to perfection: adjusting.
Like other TCKs, I changed schools every year
until second grade. Then, when my family
moved to a new country, I was enrolled in an
International School for the next eleven years,
making new friends and saying good-bye to
old ones every year. At least I was stationary,
you think? Well, instead of countries, I changed
family. Due to my mother getting remarried, I
became a member of a new family in what was
to me a still-unknown culture. On top of that,
we changed homes every other year; in a city
of millions, a new neighbourhood sometimes
feels like a new city in itself.
How did all of this affect me?
I became excellent at adjusting to environments
and circumstances (a skill that my sensitive,
overachieving nervous system was already
predisposed to do). My experiences with
change supported me in reading people’s
emotions and wishes so well that I found
myself always adjusting, adjusting, adjusting
- sometimes even to expectations that other
people were not aware they held.
Working with clients, I often do an exercise
called ‘The benefit of this behaviour is…’. One
of my clients is highly energetic and super
busy, even to the point of having a workaholic
lifestyle. So he sometimes complains that he
has no time for sports. I start the exercise by
asking: ‘What skills have you developed from
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...And
Then
What?
Regina Reinhardt
a lifestyle in which you are so very busy and
working 15 hours a day?’ Possible answers
are: I’m persistent, I’m highly focused, I’m a
high achiever, I have climbed the career ladder
in no time, I have learned to perform under
non-ideal circumstances (too little sleep/not
enough sport).
The idea is to acknowledge and embrace,
rather than fight, the current situation for its
benefits, by taking a step back, detaching and
gradually changing perspective.
Let's do this exercise for my case. My
adjustment skills, highly developed over nearly
five decades, were of great benefit when I
became a mother; when I did temporary work
for various jobs and industries; and most of all,
when coaching expatriates working in global
organisations and living around the world. As
a coach, it is of immense benefit to be able
to read clients, to be deeply empathetic, to
put myself in my client’s shoes and to meet
them where they’re at. Today I can say with all
modesty that I'm a pretty good people-reader.
Within zero time I can sense what people are
going to say. Or whether, in the future, people
will keep the promises they are making so
sincerely today. Would I have become that
good of a coach in the first place, if it hadn’t
been for the adjustment skills I learned from
my early childhood circumstances?
Now, every skill used to an extreme loses its
brilliance. In my client‘s case, above, what
suffered was his ability to detach, to take
breaks or sleep well, and to step back for a
moment to look at the bigger picture.
In my own case, I had for sure neglected self-
care. Physical symptoms made me realise
over the years something wasn't right. When
I signed up to work with an awareness coach,
his first question was ‘Regina, what is it that
you like?’. That was a real eye-opener for me.
From then onward, I started looking at myself
– body, mind and soul – in a more mindful,
careful and understanding way. A long journey
started toward finding a healthy balance
between adjustment and self-care.
Do you recognise yourself in this scenario,
torn between adjustment and self-care? Take
a moment and rate your own skills on the scale
below.
Awareness Exercise ‘Self-Care
Evaluation’
•
•
•
•
How much I adjust in the office/with friends
/with clients - 1: never, 10: always
How much I adjust around my family/
friends/partner - 1: never, 10: always
How often per week I take time for my own
needs - 1: once, 10: every day
How often per week I would want to take
time for my own needs - 1: once, 10:
every day
Debriefing
Take a moment to reflect. Looking at the scale:
• What surprised you?
• What is the very smallest change you can
make, starting today, to improve your
balance?
Congratulations, you’ve just raised your
awareness of your own ‘adjustment/self-care
balance'!
Lesson learned
Like day and night, every skill has a counterpart;
they need and feed one another. If your
adjustment skills strive towards perfection,
then your self-care gets neglected and starves,
and although it might sound like a paradox,
the ability to adjust starves with it. Without
question, adjustment is absolutely crucial for
TCKs dealing with change. But over the long
run, self-care is necessary to bring our best to
the world and shine.
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