Broken
By Sam Abbott
Sitting at the computer, my wife just across the room, communications levels at a minimum, I'm living within my mind and doing a really bad job doing it. I try my best to deal with every day situation without anyone knowing what is going on with me. The anxiety, depression, fears and displacement that riddles my day. Watching moments of my children's and families' lives slip by me, hating myself for not taking action to keep them from fading away.
I experienced mental defects throughout my life. I knew the side effects to the family, but being the one with the mental issues, I became blind to what and who I had become. My nights have become my days and my days are riddled with a blur of medication, anger, anxiety, and depression. I am obsessed with every task I take on to the point that everything on the outside quickly fades. The necessity for life’s basics become a forgotten issue until reminded.
I have forgotten that I am who I am. That sounds strange when I say it and even stranger when I read it. I am a 52 year old veteran who survived a massive heart attack, congestive heart failure, 5 mini TIA strokes, and open heart surgery. I am a husband, married to a beautiful young woman, who cares greatly for me. I am a father of 4 children, who I love with all my mechanically repaired heart. I am the other half of a failed 30 year marriage, to a woman that put up with my idiosyncrasies, ill temperament, and lack of trust, all with some merit. I am a seasoned mechanic and manager. I am a graphic artist, a writer, a musician, a disc jockey, and a comedian. I have accomplished many things in my life. Held many jobs, and most of all I am a failure to myself, for I am broken.
I am broken, because I fail to love in the right ways. For this I hate myself the most. I never learned the lessons of love properly. It wasn't a great priority in my upbringing. There was love, but being able to express and show it properly wasn't part of the lesson plan. This is the one thing I try to my best to fix. Understand love and romance isn't easy when you have failed at it once. Anxiety levels towards certain situations makes it hard to comprehend or understand someone new needs in the romance department. I try, but without a sense of direction, there is easy answer or solution.
I am broken, because I fail those around me. My head is not always in the game. It's probably the most broken part of my existence, the one part I don't think could ever be fixed. All my intentions are true. My timing may be off. I have very little inhibitions so my actions have offended. Even though at times they have added humor to an occasion or two. But for the most part I am not there. Mentally, I know, but due to physical limitations, I forget. I have not excuse for it, because I could have made other arrangements to remember.
I am broken, because I expect everyone to be greater than their means. I don't expect everyone to be perfect, but I set a standard equal to my own at times. I have been labeled a narcissist. At first I took it as a great insult to my nature. When I took the time to look back and really define what a narcissist really was, it wasn't far from the truth. I had a type a personality and this is a battle I fight every day to correct and one of the hardest traits to fix. I apologize to all who I deal with and ask you to bear with me. I am trying my best.
I am broken, because I fail myself. I become so absorbed in the activities I ensue that I forget to care for myself. I forget to take my medication as I should. I forget my appointment and follow my doctor’s advice and follow up with prescribed treatments. I let myself suffer in order to take care of others I care for. I would rather make sure they are taken care of and it seldom over rides my memory of my own physical needs.
I am broken.....