P A G E 6 B O R D E R B A T C H B R E W I N G S
As I sit here pondering life thru beer goggles with my Schell ’ s Octoberfest on a very fine fall afternoon I ’ m struck by how quickly the fair weather season has gone . Boom , boom , boom . Day at Schell ’ s , Pontoon Ride , Meeting at Holm ’ s , & Stubiefest all come & gone in a blur . On the bright side fall & the impending winter bring a little more relaxed schedule to enjoy some home brewing and the great fall / winter seasonals that hit the shelves of the beer peddlers . Of course this fall also brings the presidential election . Seems like these two jokers have been campaigning since Clinton was in office . . . The first time around . So I think its only fair that we have a little fun at their expense . Here ’ s a little bi-partisan poke at the candidates & their possible responses to beer related debate questions . [ NOTE - the views expressed may not be the actual views of the candidates themselves , nor their respective party . Names , characters & places and incidents either are the product of the author ‘ s imagination or are used fictitiously , and any resemblance to actual persons , living or dead , events , or locals is entirely coincidental although generally intentional .] First Question : Do you favor an increase in the tax on beer ? McCain : I ’ m an not in favor of an increase in taxes of any sort . In fact it is the agenda of my administration to roll back taxes for big beer companies . Rich people who vote for me will also receive a tax cut . These two tax cuts will create a synergy of potential investment dollars thus stimulating America ’ s economy by allowing for increased spending on the part of a handful of people who are currently in my pocket . Eventually the benefits of this increased spending on the parts of a few will trickle down through our economy allowing all to enjoy the benefits of both beer & a renewed & vigorous economy . Obama : Under my administration there will be no additional tax increase for those households under $ 220,000 combined income . The Democratic Party is the champion of the middle class . We have given up on the poor because they no longer can be helped and are too uneducated & apathetic to vote & beer is what made the middle class great . How can the folks on main street pay their mortgage & send junior to college when beer is as expensive as it is ? I is my intention to increase the taxes of the wealthy & corporate America & to redistribute that wealth through government works programs that will put beer back on the tables of hardworking middle class families . Second Question : How does beer impact our environment ? McCain : I have no concerns about the negative impact of beer on our environment . As far as I ’ m concerned there is no proof that any human activity affects the environment in any way what-so-ever . I ’ m in favor of de-regulating littering laws , bring back the ring pull tab top , increasing the weight of beverage containers , & possibly returning to the use of steel cans . Those cans could be made right here in American in factories power by coal . Also I ’ d like to add that rules regarding safety on oil tankers & drilling rigs should be de-regulated in order that hard working oil company employees might enjoy a few dozen cold ones while increasing America ’ s oil reserve .
Obama : America must become energy independent . If elected I will order that we immediately cut our dependence on foreign oil to pre-colonial levels . This will impact the beer industry to some extent but it ’ s a sacrifice we must make for our children . All breweries will be required to operate on solar & wind energy , thus brewing will only occur on sunny & windy days . New legislation will mandate that beer not be refrigerated - if our friends & allies the Brits can drink warm beer than so can we . Beer will be transported to retail outlets via horse & wagon . The horses will be fed grass which is a renewable source of energy . My opponents have charged that this scheme may hurt the beer industry ’ s productivity & make the American beer industry susceptible to foreign takeovers . I propose that a large federal bureaucracy be created to study the issue & develop a plan to mitigate this outcome . I also would be a proponent of a government subsidy to make American beer more competitive in the global market place . Third Question : In your administration what would be beer ’ s role in our national security McCain : Yes , I believe beer can be used in the war on terror . I believe we need to sit every detainee in Gitmo down on a stack of Korans , & force them to drink beer while being interrogated by a topless female officer . Then when they have admitted their crimes we will give them a stuffed bear named Mohammed to cuddle with until they can be executed at a time & place of our choosing . Obama : My administration believes in diplomacy . I would ask permission from the UN to sit down with all our nation ’ s enemies over a cold American made Budweiser & hash out our differences . I ’ d tell them , “ behold this great symbol of democracy - the cold Budweiser . Everybody loves it , everybody wants to be just like it . It ’ s the quintessential example of the American business model . It ’ s America ’ s crowning achievement . Why can ’ t we all be friends & enjoy one together ?” If any of our enemies point out that Budweiser really isn ’ t an American company any more I will request the UN place sanctions on the offending country & send a multinational fact finding mission . Fourth Question : Are you currently or have you ever been a beer drinker ? McCain : No political elitists like myself prefer hard booze (& Viagra ). However , I believe if you look around the fridges in my eight - no ten , or is it fourteen houses ? It doesn ’ t matter how can anyone be expected to recall off the cuff how many house you own ? - Anyway I was saying you could probably find a beer in the back corner of one of them . Obama : Yes , I admit that I used to drink some beer in my youth . What can you really expect being a bi-racial child in a single parent family . My favorites were Olde English & Colt 45 . Fifth & Final Question : If you launched you own line of beer what would you name it ? McCain : I ’ d call it Maverick beer . My advisors have warned me that this name may already have been used . That ’ s OK , my campaign isn ’ t about originality , as you may well have noticed my campaign is not afraid to borrow words that work & redefine them . As in “ Change ” which used to mean something other than the status quo & now means four more years of the same ole thing . Obama : W . It ’ d be a really hopped up India Pale Ale . When people asked me why I call it “ W ” I ’ d say , “ cause it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth just like eight years of George W .’ s presidency .”
Well there you have it folks . I think that ’ s a fair representation of what our fearless presidential hopefuls would have to say about beer & the issues facing our nation . Hopefully no one is too offended . If you are I ’ ll buy you a beer sometime & explain to you why neither of these fellows is worth defending when it comes right down to it . Then if you want to have a worthwhile discussion we ’ ll talk about that little part of the Declaration of Independence that mentions that if the people are not happy with their government that they have the right to alter it or abolish it & create a new one . Think that one over with a nice tall glass of Octoberfest !