THE KNOW HOW
Parent’s Corner
Thoughts on Friendship
Whether your child is two and at their first
playgroup, or five and starting kindergarten, or
13 and navigating junior high, or 18 and saying
goodbye to high school and launching into the
first year of college away from home, each of
us have a hope and a longing that they will have
friends and the joy of shared experiences.
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Make your home a welcoming place for
your kids to bring their friends. Whenever
our kids have their friends over we
simply hope to show them love and
acceptance and want them to know our
house should feel like their home. Make
the friends feel like one of the family.
Friendships are important. Some will last only
for a season; some will last for a lifetime; but
friendships have deep and lasting effects, so we
need to help our kids find friends who will help
them learn, mature, enjoy, and share. At the same
time, we do not control who their friends will be.
As a parent of three (two teenage girls and a
20 year old boy), my wife and I want each of
our kids to develop meaningful friendships that
help them learn to receive what another person
has to offer and find that they themselves have
something wonderful to offer to another. I do
not have answers for perfect friendships for my
kids. However, looking back over the years I have
compiled a list of thoughts about friendship that
might be helpful to us parents.
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There is a difference between giving direction
and trying to control their choice of friends.
We try to help our kids think about who they
are, as well as what kind of person they want
to become. Real friends want you to be you.
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Make your kids aware that no relationship
is perfect; there will be ups and downs in a
friendship. It is natural for friendships to ebb
and flow and even fizzle out eventually. That’s
okay. They can grieve that loss, but look
ahead to new friendships in new situations.
•
Endeavor to understand your children’s
heart versus their actions, when they
pull away from a friendship particularly.
Honoring your kids’ inclination to protect
themselves gives you credibility to be in the
conversation with them about friendships.
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Be good friends and cultivate good
friendships in front of your kids. My wife
and I led a small group and had other
families in our home weekly and we still
do. Make opportunities to discuss with
your kids that the key to making friends is
they must first learn how to be a friend.
•
Do not live vicariously through the
friendships of your kids. Each of us made
it through junior high and high school but
probably not without a few bad experiences
with friends; however, your children are
not your chance to relive your youth.
•
Don’t judge potential friends by appearances.
Teens have a great hypocrisy meter. Telling
them it’s what’s inside that counts, and then
judging by appearances is counterproductive.
The above list is not exhaustive and not a perfect
list that will help you as a parent navigate the
friendship journey of your children. At the core
of parenting your children, as they go through the
ups and downs of friendships, is a truth that I am
enjoying more and more everyday – love them as
they are. Friendships made in the confidence of
a parent’s love will be more positive than those
friendships that are pursued trying to fill a void
that only you as a parent can fill.
Michael A.