The sad part is that my leadership taught excellence and integrity, they genuinely loved God and thought they were doing what was right...for me…my marriage…our decisions…the number of children we had…my friends…our purchases!!! Wait, since when does God sit you down in ministry because you purchased a car one month before the leadership said you should? Why is God displeased because we didn’t tithe on my husband’s expense check? Why am I being corrected for not answering my phone during a lunch date with a friend? I think you’re getting the picture.
Believe it or not, the previous questions were not obvious at first. Partially because my leaders were family, but mostly because I thought this was the cost of ministry. After all, weren’t unreasonable expectations common to working closely with the anointed? Surely God would be pleased that I did not mumble or complain or discuss things I didn’t agree with, not even with my husband. I thought that was the price of proving my trustworthiness. I was called, by God, and I knew it. I was just waiting for God’s timing, and in the meantime, I was being a good and faithful servant…at least that was what I thought. In actuality, I was driving a wedge between my husband and myself, demonstrating an inappropriate relationship with spiritual authority to my children, and exchanging reasonable concern for blind obedience.
Let me pause my story here to share a list I adapted from Ron Edmonson’s article “7 Warning Signs You May Be A Controlling Leader.” For the purpose of this article, I will lead with, “You may have a controlling leader if:”
1) It is a struggle to share new ideas
2) They think they are wonderful
3) They are always right
4) They control information
5) They are a part of every decision
6) They can’t let go of the reigns
7) They are the final authority on every decision.
It wasn’t until I let go of the fear and followed God’s leading to leave that I was even aware of articles that could have helped me see what was going on.
Here’s the bottom line. Just because you may be in a stage of preparation, or the fact that the leaders you serve are established in their call, does not mean you check your brain at the door and call it faith. If you are rebuked or regarded as a trouble maker for asking questions respectfully, or if you feel like you are hanging your head down to come in to a leader’s presence, something is wrong. It is quite possible that you may have an incorrect image of yourself in Christ, but it can also be that that leadership is projecting a false image of humility on to you. The idea that you don’t have a call unless delegated authority acknowledges it is no scriptural. It is true that you can’t just appoint yourself in another leader’s ministry, and that ordination is a way to affirm your calling, but God’s call on you was established before you were in your mother’s womb. You may be growing in to the understanding of that call, but it is not something that delegated authority can change because they perceive you as a threat, or because you don’t measure up to their expectations. Such was my situation.
It was announced and understood by all at the ministry that God was preparing me to shepherd the local church. So, imagine my surprise years into my preparation, when I discovered, purely by accident, that God changed his mind, and my new role was to support the leadership in their work. Suffice it to say I was dumbfounded. Over the years I had been told, “When you stop having children God will begin to do greater things with you in ministry.” I was also told “When you come out of debt, then you will be able to lead God’s people,” and now this final revelation that I was no longer His choice, that I should be happy serving the appointed. All this after
Cost of Ministry continued