The next morning after my call with the nurses on duty , I prepared to visit Kene . Excited to finally hear her speak after weeks of drifting in and out of comas , I went ham , shopping all sorts of goodies- buying all the things Kene loved but have missed out on enjoying . The TB in her system had been fully cured and she was now in recovery mode .
On my way into the hospital , I got a call from Dr . Franklin . Surprised by the urgency in his voice , I told him , I was only downstairs and will be up in a minute . Over taken by panic , I dashed up the stairs and ran down the corridor leading to the ICU . I bumped into Dr Franklin , who managed to steady me . He led me into a family room around the corner and offered me drinks . In the gentlest tone ever , he said “ I ’ m really sorry , but I ’ ve emptied the kitchen sink and at this point I don ’ t have any more tricks .” What is he talking about , I glared at him “ Kene has a few hours left to live ; she suffered a reflux last night . We drained over a litre of fluid from her lungs and on scanning her , we discovered that the acid from the liquid had burnt and bored holes in her lungs ” I was looking at him but my spirit had left me . I couldn ’ t make sense of anything he was saying …
I only remember walking out of the room like a zombie and into the ICU . I saw Kene lying peacefully , the wires and pumps still attached to her body . “ We are going to make her as comfortable as possible and you can stay with her for as long as you want ” one of the nurses said as they began to detach the medical equipment from her . “ Nneka , we will give you some space to speak with Kene , never mind that she ’ s unconscious , she can hear you ” Dr . Franklin added .
I sat in silence for the most part of two hours , tears streaming down my face . I had no words , my mind couldn ’ t take it . I felt lost , hopeless , helpless . I just sat there starring at my best friend as her breathing rose and fell . I ’ ve never seen anyone take their last breath until Kene .
Grief and depression share many of the same characteristics , but grief is a healthy , natural response to loss , while depression is an illness . Whilst grief can trigger a bout of depression , it ’ s important to understand the difference between grief and depression . If you ’ re grieving , your feelings of loss and sadness come and go , but if you ’ re depressed , you ’ ll usually have a constant feeling of sadness .
My sadness never went away . It felt like Kene ’ s demise awoke a demon in me . I became angry with God , the pastors , the doctors , the whole damn world . There was the feeling of emptiness that morphed into the absence of feeling itself . Nothing will ever be good or bright or wonderful ever again . I turned the pain to myself- I started feeling unworthy to be here , I questioned the justification for my own existence , I felt like an impostor- Why Kene and not me ? What did I do better to be deserving of life while a poor orphan lost hers ? At first , my parents put my mood swings down to grief .
The counsellors said I will feel better with time . I was undecided- I didn ’ t want to let go of the grief but I also wanted to get back to normal . I would go on social media and post all sorts of encouraging messages to people who were struggling with loss , depression and all . I wrote about Kene half the time and continuedwith the makeup tutorials we did on YouTube . I seemed to have improved , to be in control . Fans the world over sent inspiring messages , they couldn ’ t believe how strong I was- they said I inspired them a lot . Years passed and my work and social media life flourished . The ‘ Beauty Dose ’ account Kene and I co-owned amassed over 500,000 instagram followers and shortly after her death , the account got verified . There ’ s not a day I do not wish Kene was here to celebrate these milestones . Sometimes , I feel like a thief , like a cheat . To reap the benefits from our joint hardwork alone fills me with so much guilt . People would come on the page to share personal stories of loss , depression and survival . I will actively get involved in these conversations but when they all go to bed ; I will lay on my bed crying my eyes out .
6 / BLANCKLITE / OCT 2018 / www . blanckdigital . com