Techniques to help deal with the feelings of loss:
Sometimes couples do not agree with
each other that termination is the right
decision – this can put enormous strain
on the relationship and may cause it
to breakdown altogether. Even if they
are in agreement both partners can
be affected differently by their unique
circumstances and may cope differently
– typically men talk less about their
feelings and report less sadness than
women. Couples may feel uncertain
how to help or comfort each other.
Coming home after a termination
can feel very empty and support from
family and friends at this time can make
a lot of difference. Ongoing support
from others such as a family doctor,
counsellors and family is important
to come to terms with the decision to
terminate a pregnancy.
Feelings of loss and grief are com-
mon and may be complicated by self-
blame, guilt and social isolation, but
feelings of relief can also be present,
especially if they suspected something
was not going well with the preg-
nancy. Having mixed and sometimes
conflicting feelings is normal – each
person’s experience and response will
be different.
Feelings of loss may not just relate
to the loss of the pregnancy and the
foetus but may also revolve around the
loss of the woman’s autonomy over
her body, the loss of her perception of
her own health or the loss of confi-
dence about her ability to produce
healthy offspring.
Grief is a universal process that
humans experience in order to pro-
cess any kind of loss. The stages of
grief include denial, anger, bargain-
ing, depression and acceptance. Grief
does not usually follow a linear path
and people tend to oscillate through
the different grief stages, sometimes
jumping from sadness to anger, denial
to acceptance. Grief tends to be most
acute during the first three months and
usually has subsided by the end of the
first year following the termination.
• Confide and discuss with a close family member or friend whom you trust.
• Focus on compassionate self-care – talking kindly to yourself, eating
healthily and exercising regularly.
• Write your feelings down in a diary or journal. Allowing yourself to
express any sadness and grief that you are feeling will help it to diminish.
• Honoring the grieving process allows you to explore meaning in the
pregnancy and to incorporate your termination experience into your
life journey.
• Some people may feel angry about aspects of the complex situation
surrounding the pregnancy and termination. It can be useful to recognise
your anger and to explore the underlying issues.
• Recognise that partners and family members can also experience a wide
range of feelings and may be unsure how to comfort and help you. Men
and women often grieve differently. Talking to each other can help you to
be aware of each other’s feelings.
• Consider creating an ‘end’ to your relationship with your pregnancy by
writing a goodbye letter and keeping it in a safe place or burning it.
• Some people benefit from contacting a support group and talking to other
people who have had a similar experience.
• Practice relaxation exercises to help deal with stress, and mindfulness
exercises to stop negative ruminations. Apps such as ‘Headspace’ and
‘Calm’ may be useful.
Occasionally the symptoms of loss
and grief can persist or get worse. If
this situation applies to you and you are
having difficulty in dealing with your
emotions, frequently crying, experienc-
ing changes in sleep or weight, having
suicidal ideas and struggling to func-
tion then you should seek professional
help. Couples counseling can also be a
useful option during this time. Seeing
a therapist or psychologist together can
help you work through the different
issues that can arise.
There are a range of differ-
ent sources of professional support
available in Bermuda. Family doctors are
a good first option however you can also
self-refer to the Mid-Atlantic Wellness
Centre (www.bhb.bm, tel: 2363770) and
to private mental health centres such as
Solstice (www.solstice.bm, tel: 2923456).
Solstice is a large holistic mental health
centre in Hamilton which provides
wraparound support services to people
of all ages – these include psychological
assessment and treatment, individual
and couples counseling, art therapies,
experiential therapies such as therapeu-
tic yoga and massage, and psychiatric
services including medication.
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