Joan Baez
An Exclusive excerpt from Joan Baez ' s new book of poems
GOODBYE TO THE BLACK AND WHITE BALL
Joan Baez
I used to think the alternative to black and white must be gray . To avoid living a dull life , I dressed in black and white , I thought in black and white — not just good or bad , mind you , but perfect or damned gifted or worthless ethereal or demonic emblazoned or cast out .
I scoffed at anything average and avoided middle ground — you know , The Gray Area . As a result , I let slip most of my life .
I was chronically anxious , insomniac , promiscuous , multiphobic , depressed , hypervigilant , and , luckily , immensely talented .
I had antennae that could turn corners ahead of me , protect me from the mortal danger of , say , eating dinner in a restaurant or making a new friend — you know , The Gray Area .
I continued to scrape off tenacious parasites . I discovered that sorrow is an ocean , fury is blue , pain is my companion , but love had not been smashed to bits so badly as to not be mendable , like a gypsy violin crushed beneath a Nazi boot .
I needed patience and an artisan . My therapists became my artisans .
People around me unearthed the gems I had been promised and held my heart in their cradling hands as I split up into a hundred pieces , a hundred bright souls sorting out their places in a dazzling necklace taking in and reflecting sunlight , working to mend me , to help me survive my deliverance and transcend my survival .
When I was half a century old , I tore off the antennae and turned my life over to a power greater than myself — which by that point could have been a toothpick .
I pitched myself into a sea of memories and headed blindly like a hoodwinked shark for the marrow of the inner core me ; I pictured pustules of venom but my therapist suggested it might be diamonds .
For months , I thrashed about , recording dreams , grasping for clues , fighting for my life and the life of my son . When I came up for air from my flailing , I began to see shards of color .
Slowly , I began to see my life was sanctified , matchless , and I would trade it for no other . I should not have been shocked to find that a diamond was in fact the core of me .
“ Goodbye to the Black and White Ball ” from When You See My Mother , Ask Her to Dance . Copyright © 2024 by Joan Baez . Reprinted by permission of Godine .