The first six months, I’ m in a fog.
• While I was Eileen’ s 24 / 7 caregiver, I never got sick. Right after her death, I was sick for two weeks, then again a few months later.
• I am emotionally numb with difficulty concentrating.
• I feel relief. Eileen is no longer suffering, and I am no longer consumed with her care.
• I feel guilty that I am relieved. Am I in denial?
• I have trouble sleeping.
• My memories only center on Eileen’ s illness.
My actions:
I place photographs of Eileen prior to
PSP around my home.
• I see a grief therapist who explains that because PSP is a prolonged and terminal disease, I suffered from anticipatory grief during Eileen’ s illness. Feeling relief is a normal caregiver reaction.
• I stop watching the national and local news on TV because it is adding stress to my grief.
• My pastor lost his wife five months prior to Eileen’ s death. He and I meet twice monthly for lunch.
• I visit family and out-of-town friends.
• I place photographs of Eileen prior to PSP around my home, trying to remember her when she was healthy.
• I speak with my daughters about their journey of grief.
• I settle Eileen’ s estate.
• I donate Eileen’ s wheelchair, shower bench, and other items.
The next six months, reality sets in.
• I experience a fresh wave of grief remembering the wonderful life Eileen and I shared.
• I cannot believe Eileen is gone; I am now alone.
• I still have trouble sleeping.
• Sudden temporary upsurges of grief come out of the blue, triggered by a song or a familiar place.
• Could I have done more to help Eileen? Did I tell her“ I love you” enough? I regret being short-tempered at times.
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