Ask Andy
& Andi
Dear Andi,
My mom and I have never seen eye to eye. Recently, we had a huge blow out because she was unkind to my daughter. She is the type of person that rarely is just nice for no reason. She lacks basic tact. She is just mean. Her own mother doesn’t care to spend time with her. And as intelligent as she is, she can’t spell apology! It’s the first Mother’s Day ever I didn’t even get her a card. I’m starting to feel guilty but I know I’m doing the right thing or am I? She called today for the first time in months and I didn’t talk to her. I love her and I am usually the one that apologizes even when I’m right just to keep the peace. What do I do?
No one has the right to make you feel bad. No one has the right to be unkind. Unfortunately at one time or another we all will do it. It looks like she has you pretty heated. Don’t allow anyone to get so far into your head they change your focus or make you angry. You are giving them control over your mind. But this is not just anyone, this is your mom.
I don’t know if there is a book that contains “Mom Rules” or “Ways to Treat Your Mom” except the bible or maybe the Koran (or the like)? That said, what I do know about life is you treat people the way you want to be treated, with or without used ovaries. If someone is unkind to you; and they don’t make amends; and it keeps happening, distance yourself. Distance is very powerful. People will show you they don’t need you or they can’t live without you. Your mother is a person. She will react. She called today, right?
There is no telling what she was going to say. It might have been smart for you to miss that call. The first time you call someone back after a disagreement can be difficult. The person making the call has most of the power. They know what they want to say and they have a plan. You on the other side of the line will have to play dodge ball, baseball, and tennis at the same time when you answer!
Your job will be to dodge cues that normally make you react. Run when you see the proverbial ball coming at you. DO NOT SWING!! If you swing you will make contact and you are trying to maintain distance! Lastly, serve up some sweetness and avoid the net, and leave the court. Translation: When she calls don’t let her make you angry again. How? Don’t stay on the phone for very long. Only answer exactly what you are asked. Keep your answers short and to the point and then move on. Go run an errand you have been putting off. That’s your “reason” for having to get off the phone quickly. Once you feel safe to come home, go ahead but again, keep it short, sweet and stay close to the exits. You can leave when you are ready.
Being a mom is a hard job but I guess you know that. Regardless of her title or your own you must be as kind as you can to everyone but especially your kids. You are molding one another for the rest of your lives. No one is perfect and you can’t change anyone. All you can do is try to live your own life. That is what I’ve tried to give you here, ways to make it past the situation. Only your mom can change your mom. Love her and keep your sanity.
By Karmel