Message from the Executive Director, Sharon Knutson-Felix
Lessons on a Bicycle Seat
I recently participated in the Police Unity Tour which is a ride of law enforcement officers and survivors from across the United States to bring awareness of officer’ s death, their careers, service and sacrifices in support of the National Law Enforcement Memorial Fund. I rode in memory of my husband Doug.
On May 10th, I mounted my bike alongside 175 other riders for the 3-day, 250 mile ride. After about 7 miles I seriously wondered what I had gotten myself into. We hit a few hills and very quickly I went from close to the front to the back of the pack. A ride marshal came beside me and advised me not to be too quick to gear-down while another said not to wait too long. I was told to sit up straight and push down while another said for me to lean forward and pull up on the pedals. I was so confused. I told myself to just keep pedaling. I made the 113 miles, but not without consequences. I started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’ t get warm and I had a lot of pressure on my chest. I debated if I should call 911 or just try to walk it off. David went with me, phone in his hand, ready to call for assistance if I was actually having a heart attack. About four hours later I quit shaking and I was able to go to bed.
Day 2, expecting rain, I put on my rain jacket causing me to over-heat on the first climb. My body was tired from the day before. I was thinking about the day before, all the advice, the contradictions, the struggle, the victory and I realized the bike ride was a lot like my grief journey. Just as I was told about the hills and bumps ahead before I begin riding I remember the warnings about the pitfalls of grief which lay ahead. I got a lot of advice. I was emotionally and physically drained. Riders waved as they passed me and encouraged me to keep pedaling, making me think of all the well-wishers and expressions of support when Doug( 1998) and my son, Ricky( 1983) were killed. I was grateful my sister Gaile and my daughter Misty were with me as I struggled, but their mere presence was not going to get me up the hill as my family was not previously able to take the grief away. They were experiencing their own loss and struggles. I determined I wouldn’ t stop, but as I got slower on the hills the grand ride marshal told me I needed to. I was so immersed in my thoughts I just did as I was told. As I loaded my bike on the trailer alongside several others, I climbed on the bus. I didn’ t know what to feel, relief, defeat, anger? I thought back to the first nights alone after Doug’ s death. I didn’ t know how I felt then either. I was surprised that like others I met who lost a child or husband, the bussed riders were all over the map with their emotions. Some were mad, others just seemed lost in their own thoughts, and some decided the first opportunity to numb their feelings with alcohol. How people navigate life, hardships and loss are so different.
Later that day I visited with the grand ride marshal, seeking his advice on how to navigate the rest of the day. It reminded me that sometimes it is helpful to seek the advice of someone who has traveled the road before.
Day 3, strong and experienced riders rode beside each of the survivors as we approached Capitol Hill. They encouraged us, but most of all they reached out their arms and pushed us as we struggled. At the top I realized the hard part was over and I had made it. I had help, but I made it. Tears blinded me and I could hardly see the people who were lining the streets cheering us on with their banners and flags. When we stopped I was sobbing. I immediately found the grand ride marshal and hugged him. There weren’ t any words exchanged but he understood.
There are some details I’ ve chosen to leave out on my bike ride just as I’ ve never really told every detail of my grief journey. I learned things I would and wouldn’ t do if I rode again or was ever a ride marshal. I learned the value of finding someone who has pedaled or walked the path before. But most of all I learned on a bicycle ride or life’ s journey to be thankful for my blessings. I renewed my commitment to be an encourager to others and offer an arm of support when needed to those who are on this road of grief.
Sincerely,
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Behind theBadge
See more pictures from the Tour on Page 12