Julie's Story...
As Told to Carman Trost
I served in the United States Air Force as Security Forces. While I was deployed to the middle east, I was sexually assaulted by 5 different men that were supposed to be allied with the United States because we worked closely with them. They got me into a building, slammed the door and began beating me then raping me over and over again. This is my truth. I was found part naked on the chow hall stairs by one of the cooks who tried to put a table cloth over me to cover my half naked body. I should have been sent to Ramstein AFB in Germany but because my commander, who didn’t like me because I refused to spy on a friend of mine, put me on quarters for 2 weeks and sent me back out to post. The incident was later covered up by the United States Air Force like it never happened. I suffered internal damage and damage to my face and head.
I chose to get out of the military early and am now rated at 100% disabled according to the VA. Having 8 surgeries in which the VA only paid for 2, I can no longer have children nor will I know the joys of motherhood. I kept it quiet for a very long time. I didn’t want anyone to know, especially my family as my sister had suffered her own rape. I lived a very angry life when I got out of the military. They said I had PTSD and to avoid my triggers. I didn’t really know what my triggers were.
My family and I thought I was going insane for the first 4 years after I got out of the Air Force. I had an enormous amount of rage and if someone looked at me wrong I was ready to fight. I didn’t understand disassociating, being present and talking to someone in the moment, but my mind was remembering what I went through. I would have no recollection of the conversation I had just had.
My anxiety attacks were horrible. I constantly thought I was having a heart attack because of the chest pain. The flashbacks would put me in the corner of a room with a weapon to defend myself from some unseen force that I thought was so incredibly real. Only my sisters voice could bring me out of these spells. I walked through life numb and didn’t think civilians could ever understand my pain. I suppressed so much so that I didn’t have to feel anything. It just made things worse. It affected every relationship I would try to have with a man considering I would never talk about what I went through. Intimacy was very hard for me since I could not allow myself to enjoy it.
I had no one. Who in my life could understand all the things I had bottled up and hidden deep inside? Even while I served my country I told no one of what had happened to me. I was going through so much and there was no one I could trust with this information. But it was clear when I got back from the desert I was not the same person.
I have been called a liar because my file was wiped clean except a doctors note when I went in to see him after the incident. Now, that has disappeared. Its just my word now. I know what I survived. I know the ugly this world has to offer and how hard it is to pick up the pieces and put my life back together again. The truth is with the right people in your life, the will to not give up, and the motivation to help other people that suffer from PTSD and MST and give them a chance to relate to others that have gone through the same thing, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen that light after so much work and the drive to live a better life.
I never want another person to go through what I went through. PTSD is not a death sentence. Its another war we must fight for a better day tomorrow. The key is to not give up, to want something better, to fight a new war and understand that your triggers do not need to rule your life. Avoidance is the worst thing you can do while having this disorder as it just enhances the anxiety so I suggest finding a therapist that helps you face those triggers so they do not rule your life. Its not an easy task but the reward is worth so much more than living confided to flashbacks etc. Fight for your peace in your life and you will be rewarded and so will those in your life.