BAJAN SUN MAGAZINE
DEC 2014
By Denise J Charles
T
he
idea
of
“bouncing back”
from an affair actually
doesn’t sit very well with
me. It seems somehow to
suggest a happy, cheerful
recovery period and
belies the stress inherent
in dealing with the
aftermath of infidelity.
When I think of the
movement past an affair,
I tend to think more of a
difficult,
painful,
reluctant crawl back to
wherever that couple was
before or hopefully to an
even better place.
When a relationship
which is designed to be
sexually exclusive, is threatened by a third party, then
that relationship runs the risk of becoming unglued at
the seams. Sex with an “outside” partner, threatens the
core of what marriage stands for; the idea of forsaking
all others. While there are a variety of reasons why
people cheat, if a coupe desires to move beyond the
affair, then there is the need for honest reflection, to
determine why the affair happened.
The source
People cheat for a variety of reasons including
relationship neglect, boredom, sexual dissatisfaction,
emotional disconnection, sexual greed, unhappiness, low
self-esteem, and this list goes on. This knowledge of
“why” is critical because it identifies the relationship’s
weaknesses. If the couple intends to go forward, this
information will be necessary to preserve relationship
health and to safeguard it against future threats. This of
course assumes that the underlying issues are exposed
and remedied through honest and open communication.
Responsibility
While a knowledge of what made the relationship
vulnerable to infidelity is great, the reason for cheating
should not be used to excuse the act. In other words, the
partner who understands why he/she cheated must also
be willing to assume responsibility for the affair. It is
therefore never kosher to intimate that your partner
made you do it. The guilty party must own up to a
moment of weakness, bad judgment, a lack of integrity,
selfishness and the like. Admitting where you went
wrong is critical to the experience of forgiveness.
orgiveness should be seen as a mutual, active process
and not as a one-time event. The words “I forgive you”
must never be forced or said prematurely. The victim of
infidelity needs to be given time to grieve the
relationship which was. This grieving process is
experienced differently by individuals and may be
evidenced by emotional and sexual withdrawal,
depression, anger, rage, crying or sessions of screaming
and throwing things. Whatever the case, it is critical that
the victim of infidelity is allowed to vent before there is
even am attempt at “fixing” things.
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