Badassery Magazine November 2017 Issue 18 | Page 64
THE FAKEST CRY I'VE EVER
SEEN."
And that was when I learned that
tears were not acceptable. Weak-
ness was not allowed. Sensitivity
was bad. Feelings, or rather the
wrong feelings, made me unlov-
able.
This is the memory that sprung
into my mind without hesitation
when asked if I could go back in
time.
I wish I could go back and tell
myself this:
"YOUR PAIN IS REAL.
You have a right to feel it. Don't
hide it. I believe you."
I wish I had heard that when I
was younger. See, just five years
later (and maybe earlier) I would
begin starving myself. I would
bury my feelings and emotions
so deep inside that I wouldn't
be able to find them again for
decades. I remember the night
during inpatient treatment for
anorexia that I ran through the
woods, fingers ripping at tree
bark and slamming rocks far
into the distance ahead, all while
a scream wrestled itself loose
from deep inside me and burst
over the trees. I collapsed on the
ground after this fit, my first real
tears erupting to the surface,
leaving me feeling like a breath-
ing, dead thing. THAT was when
I started to feel again, and by
starting to feel I started to LIVE.
MAKE YOU WEAK OR UN-
LOVABLE, AND THEY ARE
NOT FUCKING FAKE.
I didn't learn this until I was
supported by the staff at my
inpatient program for anorexia.
An RPA in particular held me as
I sobbed and she told me that it
was ok to cry. She was the first
person to give me permission
to cry. Now, I give myself that
permission.
Please - give yourself permission
to cry, to feel, to be sensitive.
I KNOW THIS PAIN, AND YOU
ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE
HEARD, YOU ARE BELIEVED,
AND YOU ARE LOVED.
FEELING TAKES COURAGE.
SO DO TEARS. THEY DO NOT
About the Author
My name is Taylor Lee and I’m an abstract artist
who creates paintings for people who feel pain - those
people who want validation so they know they are not
alone and are instead heard. I do this because I know
this pain.
People tell me that my art looks like a celebration. I
am celebrating - celebrating the fact that I survived.
I struggled with an eating disorder for over ten years,
and surviving it has made me strong in ways that I
never imagined were possible. I have experienced much
pain at an early age. Due to this, I approach life very
thoughtfully and this reflects in my process of creating
art.
taylorleepaints.com
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