Badassery Magazine Issue 11 April 2017 | Page 54

by Georgina Noel

That was when I Knew I Had Something to

Give

by Georgina Noel

Have you ever noticed how life has a way of kicking your butt when you don ’ t move forward ?

You feel frustrated because you know you ’ re stuck and something has to give , but either you ’ re not sure what needs to change or you know EXACTLY what needs to change and you are scared shitless of taking the leap .
I have SO many examples of this in my life . Usually , the biggest ass kicking I get from my body or the Universe comes at a time when I know I could be doing more with my life and I am resisting on some level .
Y ’ get me ?
I can see this pattern throughout my entire life ! Relationships , jobs , finances , weight loss , health … EV- ERYWHERE !
The one I want to talk to you about today was about 13 years ago ( wowzers , that makes me feel old !)
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I remember sitting in my car in the carpark outside my work . I was working in finance and to say that I was a square peg in a round hole was a massive understatement !
I had tried so freakin ’ hard to fit in , to be a part of the team and anytime I would open myself up , I would end up getting smacked down .
I felt so uncomfortable in my skin , I knew I was destined for so much more and yet I was terrified to leave because “ what would people say ?” Eurgh .
My inner conflict continued to grow and I found myself retreating more and more into myself , drinking way too much at the weekends and eating crap to fill the void that I felt inside .
For some people , this was enough . This existence of 9-5 , living for the weekends was just a-ok . But , for me … Not so much . I envied the people who could quite happily make their way through the day without questioning , “ What does any of this MEAN ?” It all felt so empty to me and I tried so hard to silence those voices .
So , that day , in my car , I sat weeping . We are talking bubbly snot crying here . It was not pretty ! I felt physically heavy and filled with dread and the worst thing … I didn ’ t know why . It was like this feeling was out of my control and I had no idea where it was coming from so I felt totally powerless to change it . And then …
I broke .
I went , how can I put this delicately … Completely fucking mental . At least , that ’ s how it felt .
My sister worked in the same company as me and so I made my way to her office with a wide eyed stare and clenched jaw . She saw me coming and took me to the bathroom .
As I stood there , shaking and uncontrollably crying , pulling at my hair and through gritted teeth