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Erm , what , Jen ?
Yup . It ' s my 2nd birthday today . My two-year mark and going into my third year of sobriety . And I feel like celebrating .
I celebrated last year , but it was a very small sort of celebration . I ' d only talked about my decision to stop drinking with a few close friends and it still didn ' t seem particularly real or permanent . In some ways it still doesn ' t .
But I ' m at the point now where I want other people to know . I ' m tired of hiding and being ashamed about this struggle .
It ' s not something I chose . Or something that ' s " wrong " with me . It ' s one of the many tiny parts of me that ' s made me who I am . And I ' m coming to realize that " me " is pretty great including those flaws .
Am I embarrassed that I have to take this extreme stance against alcohol ? Yeah . I am . I wish I could enjoy it like lots of other people . When things go well , alcohol is so fun and good . And when things don ' t go well ( and this isn ’ t a rare occurrence with me ) it ' s so bad .
I ' m not saying this because I want pity or for anyone to feel any differently towards me . I ' m writing this to free myself of this huge weight that ' s been on my shoulders .
I want it to be known that this is a part of me . Because someday I may need help from my friends . And it ' s so much easier if I don ' t have to tell the story from the beginning .
And maybe it ' s a part of me that someone might be wondering if it ' s a part of them , too . I have been so fortunate to have the friends and mentors that I have around me . ( I would give them a huge shout out here , but , you know , anonymous ) But they ' ve let me hear " me , too " about their struggles and honestly ? It made all . the . difference .
To know that I ' m not alone . Not a freak . Not even a bad person . I ' m a person . Human . Flawed . Wonderful . Person .
Recovering alcoholic is just one of the long list of terms that can describe me .
That ' s an important distinction . It describes me . It doesn ' t define me . I define me .
So with this new year ( and I ' m kind of happy January 1st is my birthday ; it lends itself to optimism ) I ' m looking forward with hope . And a fair bit of wariness . I ' m not a new person overnight ; I worry ( another word that describes me : " worrier ").
I don ' t know what this year brings . Except that I know it will bring happiness , and tears , and anger and all their friends . It will bring life . It will bring death . But for now , I ' m ditching " shame ". At least a little bit . It ' s waaaayyy too heavy to carry around .
I ' ll end this by saying , " Hi . I ' m Jen . And I ' m an alcoholic ". I ' m taking the power back from that phrase , owning it and , if possible , finding a way for it to help me rather than hold me back . We ' re all on Team Jen around here .
Welcome , 2018 . �
Jen Pollard
I ' m just a PNW mama taking it one day at a time . I split my time between designing kids rooms and playing with my own kiddos . My heart lives in Seattle , Kansas City and San Fran . And I ' m crazy about my sports teams .
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