“ As your boss, I’ ll stop giving you those effed-up tasks that are more about making me look good than … well, fine, they’ re actually only about making me look good.”

“ When I finally see Hamilton, I won’ t gloat.( I might sing a few lines, but I won’ t gloat.)”

“ If I see you running, in heels, to catch my bus, I won’ t slam the door shut and pull away right when you get there. As much fun as that would be for a jerk like me.”

“ I’ m your friend! I won’ t be jealous of your success.( OK, I will. But I’ ll get over it.)”

“ I’ ll clean up after myself, because it’ s true: You’ re my roommate, not my mother.”

HAMILTON: JOAN MARCUS. PARROT: KAREL BROZ / GETTY IMAGES. BEER: ROBERT INGELHART / GETTY IMAGES

“ Even though I work in a soul-sucking call center for a Multinational Company That Controls My and Your Life, I will be a human being when you finally get me on the line.”

“ From now on, I’ ll seat women at the big comfy booths, not at that child-sized one-top under the AC vent.”

“ No more Snapchats of me and all our other friends having fun at parties you weren’ t invited to.”

“ I won’ t steal your( adorable!) future baby name for my dog. Or my parrot. Or my boyfriend’ s penis.”

“ These committee meetings are such a waste of time. Let’ s go have a beer instead.”

“ I promise my orgasm won’ t make me forget you’ re there in bed with me. Thirty-second zone-out, max!”

“ I’ m going to stop blasting the bass from my car. And revving the engine in a threatening way. In fact, I’ m getting rid of the giant SUV that’ s obviously compensating for my fears of sexual inadequacy.”

“ When I want to break up, I won’ t ghost you. I’ ll go back to the gentle, old-fashioned way: I’ ll text.”

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