“ As your boss , I ’ ll stop giving you those effed-up tasks that are more about making me look good than … well , fine , they ’ re actually only about making me look good .”

“ When I finally see Hamilton , I won ’ t gloat . ( I might sing a few lines , but I won ’ t gloat .)”

“ If I see you running , in heels , to catch my bus , I won ’ t slam the door shut and pull away right when you get there . As much fun as that would be for a jerk like me .”

“ I ’ m your friend ! I won ’ t be jealous of your success . ( OK , I will . But I ’ ll get over it .)”

“ I ’ ll clean up after myself , because it ’ s true : You ’ re my roommate , not my mother .”

HAMILTON : JOAN MARCUS . PARROT : KAREL BROZ / GETTY IMAGES . BEER : ROBERT INGELHART / GETTY IMAGES

“ Even though I work in a soul-sucking call center for a Multinational Company That Controls My and Your Life , I will be a human being when you finally get me on the line .”

“ From now on , I ’ ll seat women at the big comfy booths , not at that child-sized one-top under the AC vent .”

“ No more Snapchats of me and all our other friends having fun at parties you weren ’ t invited to .”

“ I won ’ t steal your ( adorable !) future baby name for my dog . Or my parrot . Or my boyfriend ’ s penis .”

“ These committee meetings are such a waste of time . Let ’ s go have a beer instead .”

“ I promise my orgasm won ’ t make me forget you ’ re there in bed with me . Thirty-second zone-out , max !”

“ I ’ m going to stop blasting the bass from my car . And revving the engine in a threatening way . In fact , I ’ m getting rid of the giant SUV that ’ s obviously compensating for my fears of sexual inadequacy .”

“ When I want to break up , I won ’ t ghost you . I ’ ll go back to the gentle , old-fashioned way : I ’ ll text .”

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