IN MY SKIN
Karen Murcia
21
I’ ve always suffered from anxiety and depression. I’ m very insecure, and my insecurities have gotten bigger over time. It got to the point where I didn’ t want to live like that anymore. You don’ t want to live when you’ re all scared and anxious and feel like people are staring at you. You don’ t want to live when you’ re not comfortable with yourself. Everyone is going through something. But when depression starts to interfere with your daily routine, that’ s when you have a problem. It was happening to me. I was failing at university. I’ d get ready in the morning and have breakfast and everything, but then I couldn’ t leave the house. I would start shaking and crying.
The first time I tried to commit suicide, my mom found me and didn’ t do anything because she didn’ t want me to have to go through the process of being institutionalized. I know it was because she wanted to protect me, but I needed to go through it. That’ s the problem sometimes: people try to brush things under the rug and go on with life. But you need to talk about it. You need to go through it.
A month ago, I tried to commit suicide for the second time. I overdosed on pain killers. My brother found me and called my parents. When they got there, I was already shaking from the pills. My parents called the ambulance and the police showed up and everyone was talking about my problems right in front of me. I think that’ s what makes them my angels. If it wasn’ t for their support through all this, I wouldn’ t be here right now.
I spent 3 days in the ICU before being moved to a mental facility for 4 days. I got to meet a lot of angels at the hospital and the mental facility. I met this guy Peter, who became a great friend. We hung out all the time in there, like best buds. When we got out, I asked my mom if we could buy him dinner or some clothes or something because I thought he didn’ t have any money. I guess that’ s why you shouldn’ t judge a book by its cover. Peter is super rich. He’ s even offering to pay for some of my college. He has given me so many options. He’ s an angel of mine because he is part of my support. It’ s kind of weird because I’ ve been hanging out with a 51-year-old guy, but he also suffers from anxiety and depression and we support each other. We can be hypocritical sometimes because we tell each other how amazing the other is, but we don’ t feel that way about ourselves.
Now, I’ m trying to be happy. I’ m here, and I’ m going to stop being afraid of what people say because they’ re always going to talk. I want to be happy with myself and my surroundings. I want to reach the point where I can say,“ This is Karen. This is what I am. I love myself, and if you don’ t like it, then go home. It’ s not my fault.”