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Islamic State claim responsibility for devastating start to Chelsea’s season
england
Islamic State have claimed responsibility for
Chelsea’s catastrophic start to the Premier
League campaign, according to reports.
An unverified statement purported to be from
IS states the west London outfit’s atrocious
form is not down to manager Jose Mourinho
losing the dressing room, but a direct result of
actions taken by militants affiliated with the
terrorist organisation.
A spokesman for Islamic State – a West Ham
fan who wished to remain nameless – said
such a devastating shift in team performance
could not have been orchestrated by one man
alone.
He told reporters, “Sure it might appear that
Jose Mourinho is solely responsible for a
level of performance that would make a team
of valium-addled sloths seem fleet of foot,
but I assure you it is actually all the work of
residents of the Islamic State caliphate.”
Above: Under pressure Chelsea boss Jose
Mourinho looks away in horror at another
woeful Chelsea performance
“These young men in Chelsea shirts were
lured to follow a false idol in Mourinho, and
to adopt the ways of the infidel.”
“This made them ripe for conversion to our
cause and our plan began with their first
home defeat of the season.”
He went on, “The players have responded well
to our methods, particularly John Terry who
agreed to take multiple wives.”
“But only so long as they belonged to his
teammates.”
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho rejected
the claims by Islamic State, but also denied
Chelsea’s fall from grace could be the fault of
one man alone.
“IS – no, no, no, no,” he said.
‘Wait, they have a female doctor?’
“In that case it probably was their fault.”
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