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Manchester derby to replace water-boarding as most extreme form of torture
england
Torturers around the world hailed yesterday’s
Manchester derby as a new, incredibly
powerful weapon in their arsenal.
“Previously, water-boarding and battering the
soles of feet have been considered the worst
tortures that we can perform,” said Simon
Williams, retired torturer for the Tony Blair
regime.
“But that Manchester derby? Normal human
beings are simply not able to endure that sort
of thing. I think fifteen minutes of that would
crack anyone.”
The Manchester derby played out on Sunday
and was so crushingly boring that Match of
the Day pundit Jermaine Jenas broke down in
tears midway through the second half.
“It was a harrowing, awful ninety minutes,” he
said, his voice calm, but his eyes betraying the
appalling nature of what he’d witnessed.
“The highlight was when a pigeon flew over
the stadium.”
“No one should ever have to sit through that
again, it was inhumane.”
The United Nations is already preparing
to step in to try and prevent videos of the
match getting into the hands of nations who
regularly use torture such as North Korea,
Syria and the USA.
“I think we can all accept that a little light
water-boarding is acceptable to prevent an
atrocity,” said UN Representative Gillian Bird
“But to make someone sit through a full
replay of the Manchester derby? It would be
a crime against humanity.”
Above: Manchester United defender Phil Jones
found playing in the match so distressing that
he confessed to several unsolved crimes from
the 1970’s
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