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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You really hate it when people
say “let’s get out of here” in disaster
movies, which is hypocritical given how
it’s usually the first thing out of your own
mouth during a disaster.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
The stars apologize for the lack
of detail in last week’s horoscope about
being seduced by a tall, dark stranger,
but you must admit you had never seen
that horse before.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’ll have a hard time finding
inner peace, but frankly, you’re snorting
so much large-animal tranquilizer the
stars figure you don’t really care.
ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 20
Sometimes the exact right thing
falls right out of the sky and hits you
between the eyes, which will be the case
next week after the bowling-ball plant
upwind from you explodes.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
You’ll worry about your mental
health when your dog suddenly begins
speaking to you in a commanding voice,
but all it seems to want is food, water,
and the occasional walk.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
You’ll set off on an unnerving
romantic adventure with a new partner
who shares your unhealthy interests and
reflects all the things you like least about
yourself.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
Soon you will reach the halfway
point of your life, allowing you to look
back on past triumphs as well as forward
to the time when you’ll be old enough to
legally buy alcohol.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
They’ll say you died of a broken
heart, but that