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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You’ll discover a brilliant legal
loophole that will both get rid of that
annoying guy at work and force the
Department of Justice to serve you any
meal you want.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
You firmly believe that everything
has a soul, which explains why you think
your tape dispenser is a bad person.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
The jury won’t be able to really
feel disgust at your habit of eating your
murder victims, because, hey, who doesn’t
love deep-fried food on a stick?
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
The rest of the year will seem to fly
right by, along with a few hundred others,
after you’re frozen in a giant block of ice.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Despite the efforts of literally
hundreds of singers to tell you “let’s go,”
you have yet to actually go.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
You’ll come face-to-face with
many of life’s mysteries next week, none
bigger than why the Angel of Death looks
like a younger, slimmer Roy Kinnear.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You’re not usually the kind of
person who cries at weddings, but this
one’s of a former lover, you’re at a strange
place in your life, and soot gets in your
eyes when the whole church burns down
with everyone inside.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
It’s sad to think that when they tell
your life story, you’ll only be remembered
as one of two guys whose most notable
achievement was to walk into a bar.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
You and a man with no arms will
be stuck in a lift for six hours, but after
only eight minutes you’ll annoy him with
insensitive questions about ass-wiping.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Just when you start to think that
you haven’t seen the strange men in lab
coats for a while, bam, there they are in
line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
After your 17th time around as
an underpaid office worker in the late20th-to-early-21st centuries, you’re really
starting to become disenchanted with
the whole reincarnation thing.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Sometimes you actually hate
yourself for going out and drinking until
five in the morning, but most times that’s
just what you tell people.
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