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s&S
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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The sudden spike in the salmon
population is no surprise to anyone who
knows the real reason you like swimming
so much.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
A regular routine can provide
much-needed structure, but you might
be better off if you didn’t start every day
with a guy trying to saw your head off.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
It’s probably best if you just put
your head down and keep sharpening
pencils for the next few years.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
You’ll have yet another disastrous
first date when you get something stuck
between your front teeth and a crosstown
bus.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
The reality turns out to be okay,
but when you heard the phrase “taco
truck,” you pictured a giant taco that was
also a truck.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
While it’s true that someone in
Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason
for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for
genuine concern.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
The stars hear your unasked
question, and the answer you seek is:
“If they keep losing their opener to the
Pirates, way more than 103 years.”
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
You’ll be spared a potential source
of great conflict and divisiveness in your
life this week when it’s born dead.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Don’t worry: There is nothing
wrong with you that emergency brain
surgery and a quadruple bypass within
the next 90 minutes won’t solve.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Your lips are red and chapped
because you keep licking them. To
balance this out, lick yourself raw
everywhere else.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Next week will call for many,
many pairs of leather pants, which would
be fine with you if they didn’t have to be
the kind of pants with asses in them.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ll soon be feeling like your old
self again thanks to a sudden and tragic
relapse into alcoholism.
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