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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be granted an uncommonly
long life, though an uncommonly large
part of it will be spent getting into bus
accidents.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
There will be a brief cease-fire
in the age-old war between the sexes
as both sides cooperate in hunting you
down and trying you for war crimes.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
The flaw in your plan was the part
where your accomplice would start a fire,
and in the confusion, you would sneak
into the philosophy department and
finish writing your dissertation.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
It’s important, as Kipling said, to
treat triumph and disaster both the same,
but it seems all you ever get are mild
satisfaction and vague disappointment.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
You’re trying to live healthier, but
you’ll continue refusing to give up cigars,
since they’re still the best way to light
the dynamite you throw into children’s
hospitals.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
You will soon be judged by a jury
of your peers, which is a good thing, as
people who weren’t also self-centered
drunken assholes would probably want
you dead.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You’ll ask the tool salesman for
a drill press that can bore all the way
through a bowling pin the long way, but
he’ll know damn well what you really
want it for.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
You’ll be asked to give up your
destructive patterns of behaviour by
concerned people who love you but don’t
understand how much fun it is to destroy
things.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
The blessed arrival of a baby in
your life would be greeted with a lot more
joy if you could figure out who mailed it
to you.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
Investigators on the scene of the
accident will say there was nothing you
could have done, unless you count not
stomping on the gas and driving straight
into the huge tanker truck.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Someday, people will have
healthy, well-adjusted attitudes toward
sex, but until then, you can still have it
occasionally.
Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Your ravenous hunger for human
flesh will be quashed when you find out
how it’s made and how much artificial
crap is in it.
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