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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Someday in the future, humanity
will have a healthy attitude toward
sexuality, but until then, you have an idea
that could make you incredibly rich.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
You are about to embark on a
great journey across an infinite ocean of
possibilities, unless of course the more
cynical theories about the afterlife are
correct.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Your confusion over the exact
meaning of the term “elope” will become
apparent this week when parts of the
bodies begin to turn up in the desert.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Venus, the Herald of Love, passes
into your sign this week, but it’s so creepy
in there that She only takes about six
minutes to get out again.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Just keep telling yourself it’s all
going to be all right until you finally get
it through your head once and for all that
you can’t trust anything you say.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Although it’s true you can
successfully hide certain things in plain
sight without anyone noticing, it turns
out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout
troop’s worth of corpses.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You tend to think of yourself as a
big neurotic mess, but don’t sell
yourself short. You’re also a big psychotic
mess on top of it all.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
The stars don’t believe they
actually have to say this, but just because
you find a recipe that makes pancakes for
1,500 people doesn’t mean you actually
have to make that many.
Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
You will die alone, unmourned,
and unloved, but because you do it on
live television, you’ll still manage to be
considered a success.
Libra