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The Railway Tavern
The Speed of Time by Age
0 - 9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mum
seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most
common phrase: “Is it Christmas yet?”
10 - 19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that
school clocks actually move backwards just before the
bell rings.
20 - 29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter
and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further
apart.
30 - 39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on
hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything
longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase:
“Is it Christmas already?”
40 - 49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry
Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It
WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still
looks the same. Could time be slowing down?
60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?
70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it
seems like they’re over in a couple weeks.
fairy tales
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales
begin with Once Upon A Time?”
And he replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales
that begin with ‘If Elected I promise...’”
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H-E-G-S
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
“What’s that?”, the patient asks.
“It’s a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea
and Syphyllis.”
The patient wants to know if there’s a cure, to which
the Doctor responds, “We have to keep you in a hospital
room and feed you nothing but pancackes.”
“Why only pancackes?”, asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, “They’re the only thing that will fit
under the door.”
the knob
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon
for a face lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The
Knob” A small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s
head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce
the effect of a brand new face lift – forever.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always
loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying
problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes
and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t
bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee!!
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