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masticator
Luis Suarez’s Barcelona contract to include
three chewable Catalans a week
barcelona, spain
Luis Suarez has joined Barcelona in a
record deal, after the Spanish giants
offered the striker three Catalan residents
a week that he can bite freely.
The deal was concluded in the last week,
after Suarez admitted he was tired of
chewing on scousers, and required a
‘fresh taste’ at this stage of his career.
Liverpool spokesperson Simon Williams
explained, “We are disappointed to lose
Luis, but understand that after a few
years Scousers can start to seem a little
bland.”
However Barcelona are delighted at the
capture, and a spokesperson told us,
“To secure a player of Luis’ calibre to a
long-term deal is great for us, and we are
confident he now has the proper edible
rewards he deserves for his on-pitch
performances.”
“Sure, most players negotiate cars,
homes, and win bonuses, but Luis
Left: Luis Suarez apparently bit their hand off
when offered the contract at Barcelona
was absolutely set on having someone
available throughout the week for him to
bite whenever the ‘need arose’.”
“He wanted at least one a day for the
duration of his contract, but we felt we
might find some opposition amongst
human rights organisations.”
“We settled on three catalans a week,
as we’re confident we can source that
One Stop Service
number without too many complaints.”
Barcelona fans have reacted with delight
at the capture of Suarez, right up until the
point they found out that fans were being
asked to volunteer for chew-toy duty at
the training ground.
Season ticket holder Miguel Matthews
explained, “Can we not start him off on
some of the reserves? Most of them are
rubbish.”
However Barcelona’s spokesperson
concluded, “Look, I’m sure some fans
are a little nervous about volunteering,
but you know how when you own a rabbit
you’re supposed to provide something for
them to chew on?”
“Well owning a Luis Suarez is much the
same.”
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