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Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This week will teach you that
there are certain things that really can’t
be faked, such as love, respect, and the
human arms.
Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18
You’ll be bitten by a vampire and
become one of the Immortal Sanguinary
Children Of The Night just when the
whole fad is about to blow over.
Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20
Your future has yet to be
determined due to a malevolent online
community’s massive denial-of-service
attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Your romantic life will hit a rough
patch this week when your lover, having
grown bored of your relationship, trades
you to the Saskatchwan Rough Riders.
Contacting AWOL
Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy,
cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and
notable for its ill temper and foul breath,
was thought to be mythical until people
got a load of you.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Your sudden desire for stability
will lead to you retrofitting yourself with
StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid-control
system that brakes your feet individually
to improve control.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You’ll be taken aback by the news
that your life story has been changed
from a lightweight romantic comedy to
a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22
The so-called Tenth Crusade will
end almost as soon as it begins next week
when armies of religious warriors have
no trouble whatsoever conquering and
subjugating you.
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Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22
Pluto rising in your sign indicates
trouble in your romantic life, which is
problematic because, for astronomical
reasons, Pluto’s going to be rising in your
sign for the next 87 years.
Libra Sep 23 – Oct 23
You have evidently failed to learn
history’s lessons, as you begin next week
by trying to find the Northwest Passage,
unite Britain and Ireland, and get your
family to stop giving Christmas gifts.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 21
Only one major thing will happen
to you this week. After that, however, it
won’t really be possible for anything