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colonial past
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new
commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to
relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the
courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic with
cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, “You
really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man.
God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is
simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,
who was shocked to see a toothless, hairless, scabbed
and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing less
than three feet tall.
The retiring Colonel said “Smithers, old man, tell your
new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst,
joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and
Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve
represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won
a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the boxing
Olympics. I have researched the history of … “
Here the Colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, yes; never mind
that, Smithers; the new CO can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a
twat.”
yaya
The owner of Manchester City goes into the changing
room to show Yaya Toure some love.
“I’m very sorry, Yaya,” he says. “It was disrepectful to
forget your birthday. I’ve done my research, and I now
know everything about you. Ask me anything...”
“OK,” shouts Yaya, from the other side of the room.
“Why are you talking to Micah Richards?”
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old lady’s phone
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report
that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called
- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet
dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test
set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t
ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the
telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman
found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground
wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current
when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start
moaning and then urinate on hims